You are Perfect to Me
by Thranduilseyebrows
Summary: Dan receives a letter warning him that he needs to go back to college, and the stress of not knowing what to do with his life begins to break him. Phil manages to save him in more ways than he could have ever imagined. (PHAN) Warnings: Self harm, depression and swearing
1. The Letter

**Chapter 1: The letter**

****It wasn't good. None of it. One bad decision led to another, and one bad emotion enticed more. The never ending abyss of misery. As if you had stumbled across a black hole and found yourself trying to escape only too late, too weak to pull yourself from its hungrily devouring grasp.

It all started when Dan received a letter from his university, asking if he wanted to reenrol in his previous course and take the dreaded test that he had dropped out of college for in the first place. Every year around January during the prime-time of enrolment, Dan would receive a letter. And the majority of those times he'd chuck it out or slip it behind a piece of furniture never to be found again, but this time was different.

Dan was heading home late on a Sunday evening after recording the most recent episode of his and Phil's radio show. Phil had gone home to Manchester for the weekend for his mum's birthday, so Dan had done the show alone; but was pleasantly surprised when Phil rang in to request a song. Phil talked about how his weekend was going, and what it was like to be back home, and all the funny things he'd found stuffed under his mattress. Dan smiled to himself as he recalled the phone call, and if he tried hard enough he could even imagine Phil calling up and telling his various stories.

He missed Phil - it wasn't the same walking back from the studio alone. They'd normally chat about the funny themes of that week's episode or some of the strange things that listeners had called up about. As Dan trudged home through the cool autumn weather, it began to shower lightly. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and sped up his pace to a slow jog, not wanting his hair to lose its straightness and go all unruly and curly.

As he reached his apartment block and was about to let himself into the stairwell, he saw a white envelope sticking out of his mail box. He plucked the letter from the metallic structure and shoved it under his arm, getting his keys out as he walked up the stairs. Dan unlocked the apartment door and let himself in, turning on the lights and dumping the keys on the coffee table. He was about to go and get changed, maybe have a shower, and then sit on tumblr for the next few hours, when he remembered the letter. He ripped the envelope open and began to scan his eyes over the content.

_"Dear Mr. Howell,_

We are contacting you to encourage you to reenrol for the upcoming university year, as it is essential to commit and enrol as early as possible due to the heavy influx..."

The same old boring script every time. Dan stopped reading and was about to chuck the piece of paper behind the sofa when something caught his eye. A new line had been added to the bottom of the page that had not been there all those previous years.

_"Though we do value all our students equally and wish the best possible educations and futures upon all pupils, this will be the last time we contact you regarding re-enrolment as our previous attempts have gone unheard from and un-responded to."_

Dan laughed to himself and said to no one in particular, "Good! Then you'll finally stop bugging me!" Though he was being a smart-arse about it, he couldn't help but feel the threat of time nagging him as he walked to his bedroom. He grabbed a fresh top and a pair of pyjama bottoms and headed to the shower. The bathroom door clicked behind him as he shut it and he shed his damp clothes off as he ran the shower. When the water had heated and steam had begun to rise from the tiled floor, he stepped in and allowed the water to flow freely over his body.

When would he really go back to college? I mean, Dan was enjoying his time off with nothing to do but hang out with Phil and make YouTube videos, but he couldn't go his whole life without ever going to uni - he needed basic qualifications. If he did go back, he'd have to re-sit that test... He'd have to spend the next few months studying to get up to scratch again. What courses would he take? _Definitely not law_, he thought to himself. _What do I want to do with the rest of my life, anyway?_

Not acting - he could never make a career out of that. Yet it seemed that as Dan thought of all the other subjects and areas, none of them interested him. It was like he had the weight of his entire family's piercing eyes on him, judging him and forcing him to work harder, to be smarter and pick the hardest subjects. He hated law and he'd let people push him to such extremes that he'd had a mental existential breakdown and fallen into depression. He avoided college as much as he could and he'd stopped completing the work. When the term ended and it came around to the final examinations, he cracked and dropped out. _Thank God Phil was there… _Dan thought to himself as he remembered back to all those years ago. Without Phil Dan had no idea of where he'd be. Or if he even would 'be'. He began to self-harm when college was getting too out of control and he was slipping behind and being dragged down by his depression. Finally, one day, Phil caught him cutting and sat Dan down and talked well into the early hours of the morning about college, and stress, and life in general.

Phil had coaxed him into seeing a psychologist, and Dan was diagnosed with anxiety, depression and an adjustment disorder. Apparently he 'couldn't handle the stress and change of college.' Labels. That's all they were. Dan was going to the psychologist and they were just telling him who he was through a series of medical conditions. That night he got bad again. He locked himself in the bathroom and sat in the bathtub in the dark and dug into his wrists with a metal nailfile he'd found in the cabinet. It kind of reminded him of the 'spooky happenings' section that he did with Phil on their SuperAmazingProject channel, when they'd sit in the bath in the dark and laugh over spooky photos from viewers. The memories made him smile sadly to himself, but was replaced with a pained gasp and he returned to reality.

That emptiness. That long, bitter feeling of nothingness. You try to avoid it and smother it in repulsively clichéd quotes like _Everything gets better. _When, deep down inside, you know it's not true. It won't get better. No matter how hard you try, how much you want to heave yourself out of that emptiness, you cant. You can't change it, it just happened. Like frost on the mirror that slowly crept there when it was given the right chance and circumstances. But there's no warmth to ward the frost away. It just keeps getting thicker and thicker, cold barbs hastily clambering in jagged bolts across the reflective surface. Until there's nothing left of the original mirror. The ever-so-inviting and shiny persona is dragged down and ferociously silenced until there's nothing but the ice left. And when the ice takes over, people can only view the distorted and frozen surface; no one ever remembers that there was once a mirror there. A reflector of beauty and compliments, selflessly coating others in constant positivity, now has been consumed and lost. "I can't do anything with you if you're determined to be not helped". Determined to not be helped. _Determined. _As if you want this, like you invite the ice as an old friend. If only you had the option of allowing the self-consumption or not. No one wants this; no one who has this wants it. That's the thing. How can one emotion be so heavily sort after – 'the number one thing to make your life complete' – when another can be the most destructive and life-threatening outcome? Positivity comes when you begin to view the good things in your life and you don't let things easily bring you down or destruct your self-confidence. When you truly open yourself up to the world, you are usually rewarded. No one opens themselves up to depression. It's like fighting an ocean current. Some people will give up and be sunk with heavy lungs to the bottom of the ocean. Others will swim against it and try to stay afloat. They may occasionally find smoother patches of sea, where the waves aren't so strong, but there's always going a current.

Dan felt that oceanic strain pulling him down again.


	2. I Need You

**Chapter 2: I need you...**

17 hours until Phil got back from Manchester.

Dan had broken his five-months-being-clean. Twice.

_God, _Dan's mind torturously teased him, _you're so weak – you can't even last two days without Phil!_

He had to go back to college. He couldn't just avoid it. He couldn't let his family down. He had to get a good degree in an intellectual area, find a girl, get married, buy a house out in the countryside, have kids, and then eventually retire. The perfect apple-pie life. Yet Dan didn't want it.

He eventually exhausted himself from all the anger and frustrated confusion pulsing through his body, and silently cried himself to sleep at around 5:30am. Dan woke up mid-afternoon to his phone chiming and shaking energetically. It was a text from Phil saying that he'd be back early that next morning. He'd signed off with his name and a little lion emoticon which made Dan smile to himself. Dan tried to drag himself to the kitchen to eat something because he didn't want Phil to see him looking so sick and helpless, but when he got there he couldn't bring himself to eat. The idea of eating is so illogical sometimes. They say it's a necessity for survival, like breathing. When you hold your breath, your lungs begin to ache and twist about, growling for air. You can't make yourself not want to breathe. But eating for Dan was like a switch that flicked back and forth between on and off, and sometimes he didn't want to eat because his emotions were clouding his mind and forcing the switch to 'off'.

He was about to head back to his room when he noticed the white letter, staring at him tormentingly from the coffee table where he'd chucked it, and all the fears of having to go back to college and sort out his life returned. Dan grabbed the crisp paper between his hands and began to tear it into long strips which he then proceeded to angrily scrunch up and litter the living room floor with. He fell onto the sofa and a series of small, strangled sobs escaped him. He was no longer sure of the time, but darkness began to seep in through the windows and engulf the unlit room, swallowing Dan in the pitch-black of the night.

Phil arrived in London at around 9:00 that next morning. He was going to text Dan as soon as he got off the train, but thought he might as well wait until he got home to talk to him, since it was only a ten minute walk from the station. Phil clambered up the several sets of stairs, dragging his bags along behind him, and unlocking the door to the flat.

"Dan! I'm back," Phil dumped his bags on the floor as he continued, "You should feel how heavy these bags are – I was nearly going to call you to come down and help me carry them! But then I realised that it was only 9 o'clock and there's no way Daniel Howell would be up at such an hour." Phil giggled to himself as he began to rummage through his stuff to find his phone. "The train ride was so long, I think I'm train-lagged. We had to get-" Suddenly Phil stopped dead in his tracks as he saw Dan's body slumped face-down into the sofa.

"DAN!" He ran over and shook Dan's body, and nearly gasped in relief when Dan shifted in his sleep and moaned as he started to fully awaken. "Dan! My God! What happened to you?!"

Dan groggily rubbed his eyes, "I, uh… I just had a rough night…" As he began to remember the events of the last 24 hours he started to panic, and desperately tried to hide his arms under a cushion.

Phil looked concerned and as if he wasn't going to let the subject drop that easily, so Dan tried to reassure him with a quirky, half-smile that failed to properly reach his eyes. "I'm honestly fine – I just lost track of time last night and fell asleep on the sofa."

Phil still didn't look convinced but decided to let the topic drop for the minute. "Well, I'm starving – you up for breakfast?"

Dan looked awkwardly at Phil, not sure as what to say. He couldn't say "No", because that would be weird and Phil would get suspicious of something. But he couldn't say "Yes" either, because then he'd be expected to get up and Phil would see his arms.

He did his best at covering it up. "I'm not, uh, hungry right now… You should eat something though… I'll just get my, um, laptop from my room…"

"… Okay, if you're sure." Phil answered before turning and heading towards the kitchen. Dan saw this as his moment to escape and rushed into his room, locking the door behind him.

Phil didn't care about him – no one did. If Phil really cared he wouldn't have let the subject drop so easily, he wouldn't have let Dan run off. Everyone just thought he was a hassle and a burden, and he was utterly alone in the world. A pair of scissors were sitting on Dan's desk across the other side of the room, tempting him enticingly. And he was weak and he couldn't resist them.

Half an hour later, after Phil had finished in the kitchen, he wandered down the hall to Dan's room. "Hey Dan, I made Delia Smith pancakes!"

No reply.

"Want some?"

Still no reply.

"Dan…?"

Phil cautiously pushed Dan's door open to reveal him lying on a half-made bed, the sheets littered with blood. He immediately knew this was bad. Phil couldn't let Dan fall back into his previous state of depression. Phil felt a tidal wave of guilt wash over him – how had he not noticed this earlier? How long had this been going on? He gently sat down on the bed next to Dan and quietly asked, "What happened to you Dan? You were doing so well…"

Dan turned over and revealed his tear-stained face, and choked out a strained sentence. "I-… I got a letter… College… I can't do it Phil. I just can't…"

"Do what?" Phil asked softly.

"This!" Dan gestured wildly around the room, "Any of it!"

"You don't have to do anything you don't wan-"

"NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! IT'S NOT JUST COLLEGE – IT'S EVERYTHING! WHAT AM I EVEN DOING WITH MY LIFE?! I HATE IT, I HATE IT ALL. I JUST MAKE IT DIFFICULT FOR EVERYONE AROUND ME, AND THEY HATE ME. I SHOULD JUST KILL MYSELF! NO ONE NEEDS ME OR CARES-"

Phil began to get panicked, and suddenly cut Dan off by yelling, "_I_ NEED YOU!"

The previously infuriated and violent words suddenly got tangled in Dan's throat and he choked out a nearly inaudible, "… What?"

"I need you, Dan. I can't live without you. And I can't see you in this state – it hurts me too much. You're my best friend…"


	3. Perfect

**Chapter 3: Perfect**

"Are you sure you're up for the radio show?" Phil asked, concerned.

Dan nodded and smirked, weakly saying, "The show must go on, right?"

It had been five days since Phil got back from Manchester and had found out really how badly Dan was going, and Sunday had rolled around again. They walked to the studio in the early English evening, chatting about that week's theme and the different stories that they could share relating to it. The weather wasn't too bad and the stroll was quite lengthy, so by the time they were nearing their destination, Dan had taken off his jersey and was swinging it in his arm. Phil took a moment to appreciate how happy Dan looked and how when he smiled it truly met his eyes.

They entered the studio and were set up with headphones and positioned by the microphones, awaiting the light to flick on informing them that they were on air. The show ran smoothly, with listeners calling in about funny things that had happened to them, and Dan and Phil versing each other in an extreme game of celebrity heads. A listener called in and Dan introduced them, "And now we have Katie on the line to announce the winner of the Dan versus Phil celebrity heads!" Katie revealed that Phil had won, and Dan collapsed to the ground in mock-dismay. When Dan had finally picked himself up off the floor, Phil laughed to himself and said, "Thank you to Katie for revealing me as the amazing winner and champion of celebrity heads! I think we owe you a song request."

"Can I please have 'Perfect' by Pink?"

"Sure! Would you like to dedicate it to anyone?"

"I'd like to dedicate it to my boyfriend, because he's going through a really hard time at the moment, and I want him to remember that no matter what, he's always perfect to me."

Phil smiled sincerely to Dan before replying, "And now we have Pink's 'Perfect'."

_"__Made a wrong turn__,_

_Once or twice__._

_Dug my way out__,_

_Blood and fire__._

_Bad decisions__,_

_That's alright__._

_Welcome to my silly life__._

_Mistreated__,_

_Misplaced__,_

_Misunderstood,_

_Miss no way it's all good__._

_It didn't slow me down._

_Mistaken,_

_Always second guessing__._

_Underestimated,_

_Look I'm still around__._

_Pretty, pretty please,_

_Don't you ever, ever feel__,_

_Like you're less than__,_

_Less than perfect__."_

Dan looked down at his shoes and awkwardly began to dig the balls of his feet into the floor. Phil glanced over and saw him with his head down and gently put his hand on one of Dan's shoulders and smiled encouragingly when Dan lifted his head. The second verse began and Phil started to mouth the words to Dan.

_"__You're so mean__,_

_When you talk__._

_About yourself, you were wrong__._

_Change the voices in your head__,_

_Make them like you instead__._

_So complicated__,_

_Look how we all make it__._

_Filled with so much hatred__,_

_Such a tired game__._

_Pretty, pretty please,_

_Don't you ever, ever feel__,_

_Like you're nothing,_

_You are perfect,_

_To me."_

That was the thing. Phil really meant it. Dan was perfect to him, but he failed to see it.

Dan was trying to hold himself together throughout the entirety of the song, but when Phil reached the last line, he burst into tears. Phil immediately pulled off his headphones and ran over to Dan and caught him before he collapsed on the floor. Dan was sobbing into Phil's arms and Phil was motioning to the others in the studio to take them off air. Finally, the sound cut and the pesky lights stopped blinking and Phil returned his attention to Dan who he was holding in his arms. "Hey, shhhh…," he said soothingly. "You're okay… It's okay, I promise…"

Phil grabbed both their coats and rushed out the studio, hailing a taxi. He helped Dan to the car and got into the back seat with him, shooting the address to the taxi driver. Dan curled up to Phil and continued sobbing into his shirt, much like a small toddler would to a parent. Phil continued to sooth Dan and gently stoked his back until the taxi finally pulled up at their apartment block. Phil helped Dan out the car and went to pay the taxi driver. "How much do I owe you?"

"Is he alright?" The driver motioned in Dan's direction.

"What? Oh, uh, no not really…" Phil tiredly ran a hand across his face. "It's okay; I just worry about him…"

"He's your boyfriend then, I take it?"

"No!" Phil replied a little too quickly, "No, he's just my friend."

"Hmmm… You know what, kid? The trip's on me."

"Really?" The taxi driver nodded and Phil smiled gratefully to him, "Thanks."

"No problem. Hope everything goes okay."

Phil turned and began to walk over to the stairwell where Dan was waiting. Dan had had some time to collect his thoughts, and regain control over his tear ducts.

"You alright?" Phil asked as he got in ear shot of Dan.

"Yeah I'm feeling a bit better… Um, thanks for that back there…" Dan replied sheepishly, embarrassed about his sudden outburst earlier.

"It's fine, honestly Dan. That's what friends are for, right?" Phil playfully punched Dan in the arm and they both smiled, heading up the stairs to their flat.

Once they both got inside and took their coats off, Dan 'resumed the browsing position' as Phil liked to jokingly say, and Phil headed back to his room. He poked his head round the wall, holding a pair of pyjama bottoms, about five minutes later. "Hey Dan. Do you need to use the bathroom?"

"Nope."

"Okay, I'm just gonna have a shower."

Phil began to head towards the bathroom, when Dan suddenly called him back.

"Um, Phil? Could I talk to you?"

"Of course," Phil slung his pyjama pants over the back of the sofa and sat down next to Dan, "What's up?"

"I just wanted to thank you-"

Phil interjected. "Dan, honestly – it's fine, I don't mind-"

"Not just for before, but for everything. You've helped me through so much crap that I wouldn't have been able to do by myself, and you were the one who was there for me when I most needed someone. All my life I've never had someone who really cares about me and accepts me, you know? But you were the one person who did just that, and I want to thank you for-" Dan felt tears brimming in his eyes that threatened to spill over, so he took a moment to compose himself before continuing. "… For always being there for me."

"You're welcome, Dan…" Phil smiled.

Finally the silence was broken when Dan laughed, "God, we sound like a pair of twelve year old girls."

"Hey! If anyone's a twelve year old girl, I think it's you!" Phil joked back teasingly.

"Oh please – we all know you sleep with a stuffed lion teddy bear."

"Shut up," Phil blushed and Dan laughed at his embarrassment, before Phil stood up, "I'm going to go have that shower."


	4. Youtube

**Chapter 4: YouTube**

The week passed as usual and when the weekend rolled around again, Dan and Phil decided to skip the radio show and make a YouTube video instead. They felt like they needed to explain the events of the previous show in a more casual way, rather than broadcasting it to the entirety of Britain.

Dan sat down on the sofa and Phil joined him shortly after he had managed to set up the camera. Phil had positioned the camera so that the frame would only catch the top half of their bodies, eliminating the need to change out of their pyjama pants. Dan was wearing a long sleeved top to cover his slowly healing scars. He clicked a button and a red light illuminated, indicating that they were recording.

"Hey guys!" Phil started with his normal greeting. "Today I'm here with Dan and we're going to be playing another round of - drum roll please..." Dan began to drum roll on the closest item to him which happened to be the Totoro cushion, "Truth or Dare!"  
"But before we get underway with that," Dan interjected, "I'd like to briefly talk about last week's radio show..." Dan felt like he should explain it, but he didn't really feel like repeating to the entire world, "I burst into tears in front of thousands of people", so he opted to avoid the details and just get it out the way as quickly as possible. "I was having a really stressful week because my college wants me to go back, and I'm still trying to figure out what I want to actually do with my life, and I was basically just really stressed..."  
Phil could see that Dan was struggling with finishing his train of thought, so he picked up the sentence, "It was just a bit of a tough week for the both of us, and we're not going to do the radio show this weekend, so we thought we'd make it up to you by uploading another Truth or Dare video." Dan smiled at Phil's smooth segue to the next point.

Both boys began scrolling through twitter under the hashtag they'd used for the truths or dares, and Phil settled on a dare, reading it aloud to the camera. "Okay Dan, this one's for you."  
"Great!" Dan said sarcastically, laughing.  
"See how many Maltesers it takes to cover your entire bed."  
"What?!"  
"Do you even have that many Maltesers?!"  
Dan shot him a sly grin and Phil rolled his eyes, "Of course you do - why do I even bother asking."

Both boys headed to Dan's room carrying four boxes of Maltesers each, which Dan had somehow managed to hide under the sofa. They began to pour the contents of the boxes over the bed until it was completely covered in chocolaty goodness. Dan dramatically leapt onto the bed, sending a few stray Maltesers flying. "I've always wanted a bed of Maltesers..."

Dan began to start licking the Maltesers off his pillow and Phil cracked up laughing, almost dropping the camera. "Do you want me to leave you two alone for a while?" Dan smiled and removed himself from the bed, stuffing a handful of chocolates into his pocket to eat throughout the rest of the video. "You're doing the next question!" Dan called down the hallway to Phil as he headed back to his room to continue the video.

"Okay here's a good one…" Dan said mischievously, scrolling through his twitter account. He turned to the camera, "Truth for Phil. What is your most embarrassing story from your high school years?"

Phil hid his head in his hands and laughed miserably. "I know why you chose this! You just want me to admit the year 12 formal story to everyone!"

Dan cracked up laughing, "Yep!"

Phil sighed before proceeding to recall the events of his senior year formal when he had gone with this girl who was really into him and she had saved up for a specific dress for three months. Phil had gotten sick from eating WAY too many pre-formal snacks, and basically ended up projectile vomiting onto his date, ruining her dress and, simultaneously, her evening.

The pair of them ran questions at each other back and forth smoothly, until they realised they'd been filming for three hours, and decided to do one final truth. Dan read from his iPhone, "'Phil, when will you finally admit that you're in love with Dan?'"

Phil nearly choked, "WHAT?!"

"Calm down, I was only kidding." Dan was giggling uncontrollably at Phil's reaction. "But you can confess your undying love for me if you want." Dan winked, and Phil blushed profusely, refusing to make eye contact, before making an excuse that he needed to go do something and left the room.

_Oh God, oh God, oh God…_ Phil mentally cursed himself as he walked away. _That was really smooth, Lester. _He groaned audibly as he headed towards the kitchen. He wasn't quite sure what made him feel so awkward and different around Dan recently.

Meanwhile Dan was sitting in his room feeling confused. There was definitely something different about Phil recently… He wouldn't normally walk out on Dan because he was embarrassed. It couldn't be the question – they both received hundreds of tweets and comments and tumblr posts wanting them to 'hurry up and kiss already'. So if it wasn't the question, what was it?

_It's me, isn't it? I shouldn't have told him how bad I really was… He doesn't want to be around someone as fucked up as me… Oh God, I've seriously screwed this up. He probably thinks I'm crazy and need help. _Dan began to panic and hyperventilate, accidentally knocking the camera off the tripod.

Phil heard something heavy fall to the ground, and decided to investigate it. _Okay, _he told himself as he headed down the hall towards Dan, _if I act like nothing ever happened, maybe he'll forget the whole embarrassment thing and let it go… _Phil entered the room and spotted the camera – luckily undamaged – lying on the floor. "Dan what happened with the-" Dan was curled up in a ball on the carpet. Funny how people feel the need to encase themselves with their limbs, gently folding their head under their arms and withdrawing their legs, when they're afraid.

"Is it me, Phil?" Dan whispered.

Phil suddenly understood. Dan had thought that Phil had walked out on him because it was his fault. "Of course not…" Phil realised that Dan really was a lot more sensitive that he let on. He could act strong in front of a camera and when interacting with other people, but inside he was barely hanging on. Dan saw Phil as the one person who he could open up to and trust, and Phil had to be careful not to take advantage of that or forget it. "I don't think there's anything wrong with you, and I don't think any less of you for doing what you did. You can trust me Dan, I promise."

**A / N: Thanks for reading :) Feel free to leave reviews... **

***seductively strokes review button***

**I will send you virtual Maltesers if you review... **

***dangles virtual Malteser packet enticingly in your face* **


	5. Nightmares

**Chapter 5: Nightmares**

Phil's nightmares started about two nights after they'd filmed their Truth or Dare episode. Phil was editing the footage, and eventually discovered that the camera had continued to record even after he had left the room, as no one remembered to pause it. He watched Dan as he grew more and more panicked and finally knocked the camera over. Phil was mad at himself for being so inconsiderate towards how Dan would react, and he couldn't get the image of Dan hyperventilating under the stress of feeling unwanted out of his mind. He started to get uneasy patches of sleep, dreaming about Dan feeling anxious or like he couldn't trust Phil, and eventually it built. Phil began to dream of Dan cutting, slicing his wrists open, angrily cursing Phil for being the one who made him feel like he needed to cut. Phil would wake up gasping for air and he would have to reassure himself that Dan was okay. He'd sit online for a bit or go and have a midnight snack, before eventually finding his way back to bed and falling asleep again.

After a week of Phil's uneasy sleeping patterns, Dan began to notice something was up. Phil wasn't as bouncy and carefree as he usually was, and Dan began to miss seeing him smile and his bouts of positivity. He chose not to bring it up and stay quiet about it. That was until the screaming started.

Phil's dreams had started to become more and more graphic and gory, all of them ending with Dan doing something horrendous to himself and Phil not being able to save him because it was usually his fault. But after around a week, Phil had the worst dream yet.

_Dan stood in the bathroom, covered in blood, holding a knife in his hand. Phil ran to the room but he couldn't get in. It was as if there was an invisible force field blocking him from entering the room and getting to Dan. "It doesn't matter, none of it. No one cares about me. Not even you…" Dan turned menacingly towards the door where Phil was trying desperately to get in. Phil tried to scream, he tried to let Dan know how much he really did mean to him, how there was no Phil without Dan. But he couldn't be heard. Dan raised the knife to his throat and began to force the blade deeply into-_

"DAN!" Phil woke up screaming, "STOP! PLEASE! I'm sorry…"

Dan ran into Phil's room, swinging the door open to see Phil curled up against the wall mumbling the words "I'm so sorry…" to himself.

"Phil, hey it's okay…"

Phil lifted his tear-coated face, watery blue eyes staring into Dan's. "D- Dan?" He choked out, before grabbing him and holding him in a tight embrace.

Dan hugged him back and began to subconsciously run his fingers through Phil's hair while reassuring him, "It's alright… I'm here…" much like Phil had done for him when he broke down in the studio. Phil was crying and holding him tightly, and Dan thought to himself how he'd never seen Phil this upset, so whatever he was dreaming about must have been pretty bad.

After a while when Phil had calmed down a bit, Dan went to make them both hot chocolates and Maltesers for a little midnight snack. He handed Phil a mug and the Maltesers box, and sat down next to him in his bed. "I know that you've been getting really bad sleep recently and I'm guessing it's related to these nightmares…" Phil nodded lightly in response. "Would you like to talk about them?"

"I-… They're – They're about you…"

"Me?" Dan said, slightly shocked.

Phil nodded and continued, "You dying or getting hurt… And every time it's my fault. I can't save you and I'm the reason why you're doing it." Phil tilted his head back in an attempt to stop fresh tears dribbling down his face.

"Phil, firstly, I'm not going anywhere. And secondly, it's not your fault. You've helped me through so much – this is just your mind playing tricks on you." Phil nodded weakly, still not entirely convinced. Dan leant over and picked up Phil's now empty mug before grabbing his own and heading towards the kitchen. "I'll just clear these away." By the time Dan got back, Phil had fallen asleep again. Even though Phil was ridden with stress and was carrying heavy, dark bags under his eyes, Dan couldn't help but smile at how peaceful and innocent he looked in his sleep. "Night Phil." And with that, Dan quietly slipped back to his own bed.

Sadly, the next night Phil woke up screaming again, and Dan rushed in and attempted to comfort him once more. Phil was always able to be calmed by Dan's words or embraces, or simply due to the fact that he was just there. But when he left, Phil would feel himself slipping into unstable and rocky unconsciousness.

It happened again for a third night in a row, and Dan sat on the end of Phil's bed reassuring him and reminding him that it was only a dream and would never happen in real life. When he got up to leave, Phil caught his arm and quietly asked, "Can you stay with me?"

Dan nodded and answered, "Sure", before carefully slipping under the covers next to Phil. They exchanged 'good night's and almost instantly fell asleep, listening to the peaceful rhythm of each other's breathing.

Dan woke up in the morning and was momentarily confused as to why he was in Phil's bed, but then remembered the events of the previous night and rolled over to see Phil facing towards him on the other half of the bed. Phil was snoring lightly and was deeply asleep, so Dan tried to remove himself as quietly as possible from the bed so he could get a few more hours sleep. As Dan was leaving the room, he heard a voice behind him.

"Dan…"

Dan momentarily froze because he was pretty sure he had gotten up quietly enough to not wake Phil up. He turned around and was about to answer, when he saw Phil roll over and bury his head into the pillow that Dan had been sleeping on, still fast asleep. Dan smiled to himself. _Phil really does look adorable when he sleeps… _

_Wait, hold on… Where did that come from? _

Dan quickly turned around and left the room, heading to the kitchen to make some breakfast. _Phil isn't 'adorable', _he scolded himself, _he's just… Phil. Your best friend. Best friends aren't 'adorable'._

Phil woke up feeling uncharacteristically refreshed and smiling at the fact that Dan had stayed with him through the night. Sure, they'd fallen asleep in each other's beds plenty of times before when they'd stayed up having one of their all-night-movie-marathons, but it was never like this. Dan had stayed because Phil needed someone, and he had complied.

**A / N: Oooh "best friends aren't adorable" eh? ;) **

**Please leave comments and reviews and I'll see y'all in the next chapter! xx **


	6. The Kiss

**Chapter 6: The Kiss**

Dan sleeping in Phil's bed started to become a routine for the pair. It was always Phil's bed, because even though Dan would have offered up his, he claimed that he was still finding Maltesers from the Truth or Dare video over a week ago in his sheets.

By Sunday, when it was time for another episode on their radio station, both the boys had uploaded individual videos to their own channels about various happenings that had occurred since the Truth or Dare video. Dan's about an awkward situation he'd found himself in with a girl on the tube, and Phil's about a new opportunity he'd been offered with YouTube through his channel.

They walked to the studio chatting randomly. You know you can count someone as your best friend when conversation can flow freely and mindlessly, and is always interesting even if the weight of the topics are barely there. Simply taking pleasure in the fact that they're there, walking along side you. It was a late evening show that weekend, so it was slightly cooler and darker out than when they'd usually be walking. Both boys wore thick coats and scarves, and walked with their hands stuffed in their pockets. By the time they reached the studio they were eager to get inside and get the show going. It was already 10:00 pm, and by the time they finished, it was half past midnight. They had planned on walking back, but Phil was so exhausted that he nearly fell asleep on his stool; so Dan hailed a cab. As the taxi pulled up and they got in, Dan realised that it was the same driver from their previous ride.

"You two again?" He queried, smiling. He watched as Dan struggled to get Phil into the car and asked, "Same address as last time?"

Dan slumped down into his seat and nodded, "Yes, thanks."

Phil was struggling to keep his eyes open, and felt his head slowly leaning towards the window. By the time they pulled up at the flat, Phil was sound-asleep with his head resting on the cab door. The driver chuckled as Dan handed him the money and thanked him, before dealing with Phil. He didn't want to wake Phil up because, A) he knew how deeply he slept and how hard it would be to actually wake him up, and B) he looked too unconsciously placid and cute to rouse. In the end, Dan realised that if he didn't wake Phil, he'd have to carry him up to their flat. He scooped Phil up, mentally cursing himself for not being fitter, and began to carry him up the stairs to their apartment. Dan unlocked the door (which is bloody difficult when you're also carrying someone), and dumped their bags on the floor. He carried Phil through to his room and dumped him on his bed. Phil began to sleepily pull the duvet over him and snuggle down into the covers. He noticed Dan standing by the side of the bed and motioned to him. "Danny," Phil whined, stretching out his arms. "C'mere." Dan laughed at how Phil acted like a five-year-old on drugs when he was really tired, but complied all the same. Dan slipped under the covers and Phil immediately snuggled up to him, curling into his chest. Even though Phil was just acting that way because he was overcome with fatigue, Dan couldn't help but smile to himself, wrapping his arms around Phil protectively. They both fell asleep that way, content with being snuggled up to each other.

That next morning, it had officially been a month since the letter and Dan cutting, and his scars were nearly completely healed. Dan had woken up before Phil, as he often did, and found he still had his arms locked around Phil's back. Phil was still pressed against his chest, and after several minutes of fighting himself, Dan finally detangled himself from Phil's warmth and headed to the kitchen to cook eggs and bacon for breakfast. Phil woke up and lazily dragged himself out of bed, following the smell of a cooked breakfast, grabbing his laptop off the coffee table on the way through. He yawned loudly to announce his presence and slid sluggishly into one of the kitchen chairs, opening his MacBook.  
"Sleep well?" Dan questioned, not turning away from the pan.  
"Mmmhmmm..." Phil replied, trying to rub sleep from his eyes."I was thinking about, um, college. I think I should go back…" Dan sighed, "But I still don't want to…"

Phil continued half-consciously scrolling through his twitter feed, "There are heaps of great courses outside of law – you could do a photography or filming course that could help with your videos."

"… But the test. I'd have to start getting on to it basically now and I'd have to study and practice and then I'd –" Dan realised that he'd started to panic, so he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I just don't want to get bad again…"

Dan had kept his eyes closed, so he hadn't seen Phil get out of his chair and begin walking towards him. Phil took Dan's hand and gently rolled up his sleeve, causing Dan to gasp and open his eyes. He watched as Phil pulled back the sleeve of his jersey to reveal Dan's fading scars. Phil traced his fingers over the harsh lines, and then cast his eyes over Dan's face until they locked eyes. Phil ran his fingers up Dan's arm and down his chest, and finally placed his hand on his waist. "I promise that I will never, ever let you get bad again…" Phil whispered, before finally closing the distance between them. Phil gently kissed him, and it took Dan half a second to actually realise what was going on, and to kiss Phil back. Phil brought his other hand to Dan's waist and Dan comfortably slung his arms around Phil's neck.

_Hold on, _Phil's brain started working again. _Holy crap, I'm kissing Dan._

Phil suddenly pulled away, feeling immediately fully awake. Dan stood there looking shocked as realisation suddenly dawned on him.

_Shit._


	7. Confrontation

**Chapter 7: Confrontation **

_Shit, shit, shit, shit, why did you kiss him?! Shit, shit, shit._

"I- um…"

"Yeah, I-"

"I'll just-…"

And suddenly Phil found himself walking out the door and down the stairs and onto the street.

_Crap._

He'd just kissed Dan and then run out the front door with nowhere to go. Suddenly he felt his phone buzz in his back pocket and he pulled it out to reveal who was calling: Chris.

"Hey Phil! I was just wondering when we were going to film that-"

"Chris. I need to come over. NOW."

"Jesus, calm the fuck down…"

"YOU DON'T GET IT! I- I just screwed up, okay? Can I come round or not?"

"Sure, but PJ's round and-"

"Okay, I'll see in you in fifteen." Phil hung up and began jogging down the street, trying to find a taxi.

Fifteen minutes later Chris opened the door and Phil rushed inside without being invited in. The entire taxi ride over he'd been planning what to say, and had decided that it would be best if he just said it.

"I kissed Dan…"

Chris stood by the door with his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide like those unfortunately bred goldfish whose eyes protrude from either side of their face.

"You? You kissed Dan?!" Chris asked, stunned. Phil nodded reluctantly. "WELL FINALLY!"

Now it was Phil's turn to be confused. "Wait – what?"

Chris exaggeratedly dropped to the floor, "PHAN IS REAL! PEEJ, GET YOUR ARSE IN HERE!"

"Chris! I need your help! Not for you to call the entire street in to join you rolling around on the floor!"

Chris sighed before picking himself up off the floor. "Fine, what's the problem?"

"I kissed him! My best friend! Oh God, he's never going to want to talk to me again and he's going to move out and then I'll be alone and I can't pay for the entire rent by myself so I'll lose the flat and the radio show and-"

Phil was cut off by Chris, "Phil. Calm down…" Phil took a deep breath. "Did he kiss you back?"

"What?!"

"It's a simple question, Phil – did Dan kiss you back?"

"Um… I guess he did, yeah…"

Chris sighed. "You really are completely oblivious, aren't you?"

Phil was about to protest, when PJ walked in from one of the other rooms. "Sorry, I was just on the phone to Dan. You'll never guess what hap-" PJ stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Phil standing next to Chris. "Oh, uh… Hi…"

Chris rolled his eyes and began to force Phil back out the front door. "You have to go back there and tell Dan how you really feel."

"'Really feel'?! Chris, I don't even know what you're talking about…"

"You like him don't you?"

"I-" That question stunted Phil. Of course he liked him. Phil had assumed it for quite some time, but he'd never really known until he kissed him. It was only admitting it aloud that was the hard part. Funny how simple sounds being pushed from one's mouth made thoughts become real. "What if he doesn't like me back…?" Phil asked, looking down at the ground nothing wanting Chris to see how much that question meant to him and how long it had been on his mind.

PJ pushed Chris aside to see Phil through the doorframe. "Phil, I think you'll find that Dan likes you a whole lot more than he's ever admitted. You weren't the only one considering that question…"

Phil was confused about that statement, but either way, he found himself in a taxi heading back to his apartment, thanks to what PJ had said. He paid the driver and headed up to his flat, feeling around in his pockets for his keys before he realised that he must have run out of the flat without them. _Okay. I'll knock, he'll open the door, I'll calmly tell him that we should talk. Then, I'll just have to tell him how I feel… _Phil knocked on the door. _Oh God, what if he hates me? _He could hear footsteps coming from inside the apartment. _What if he tells me that he wants me to leave? _There was the noise of someone unlocking the door from the inside. _What if he has a secret girlfriend? What if- _"Hey…" The door swung open to reveal Dan smiling nervously from inside the flat.

_Stay cool… Remember the plan. _"Hi."

"I, um, think we need to talk…" _Damn, _Phil thought to himself. _That was my line…_ He went along with it anyway, and followed Dan into the apartment living room, shutting the door behind him. They sat down on the sofa facing each other, but neither wanting to make eye contact. Strange how the events of one day can make the one person who you felt the most comfortable around into someone you can't even look in the eye.

"Look, Dan, I just wanted to say that no matter what, you'll always be my best friend, and I never want that to change." Phil started, breaking the ice.

"Same," Dan quickly agreed. "But there's something I need to tell you…"

_Oh God, _Phil's mind was racing. _He's going to say that we need some time apart or that we shouldn't be around each other._

You never really realise how much you desperately need something until it's on the edge of being ripped away from you. And Phil wasn't going to let it go so easily. Sometimes you just can't keep running from the inevitable abyss that is reality, and you have to face it.

"I need to tell you something first."

"No," Dan protested. "I really need to go first."

Neither knew it but they both couldn't deal with the possibility of denial, and desperately wanted the first word to protect themselves against rejection.

"No Dan, I really need to say-"

"Phil," Dan cut him off. "I love you."

_What?! _Phil was suddenly silent, opening his mouth but nothing coming out, unsure of the words he should choose.

Dan ran a hand across his face agitatedly before continuing. "I realise that this could potentially ruin everything, but I love you Phil. I probably wouldn't even be here if it weren't for you. You've saved me in so many ways and made so many opportunities possible. YouTube, London, our radio show, the millions of fans," Dan was smiling as he poured over the major events of the last few years. "And I love you."

The room was encompassed in a deep silence. Not an uncomfortable silence where you suddenly realise how loudly you breathe and how fidgety your limbs become, but a pure, tranquil silence of sheer acceptance and happiness. Phil smiled at Dan before leaning in and gently kissing him. "I love you, too."

Dan's face was plastered with sheer happiness and an undertone of major relief. He grinned at Phil before jumping off the sofa and enthusiastically asking, "Movie?"

Phil laughed and replied, "Sure."

Dan picked a movie off the shelf and clicked it into the player, before rejoining Phil on the sofa. He snuggled up to Phil's side and Phil wrapped an arm around him as the movie's opening credits started rolling.

"Dan?" Phil enquired.

"Mmm?"

"You didn't happen to finish making that bacon from this morning, did you?"

"Breakfast at dinner time? That's not very healthy Phil…" Dan teased, laughing. Phil was always trying to sneak healthier cereals and lunches and disgusting green smoothies into their diets with no avail.

"Screw healthy."

Dan mockingly cheered and paraded off to the kitchen, returning with two plates of bacon and eggs and a large bowl of microwave popcorn.

**A / N: Aaaw the phan is finally official :3 **

**I was ****actually**** going to leave the story here, but I think ****I've decided to make this into a longer story, as I'm not quite done with Dan and Phil just yet... ;) **

**Thank you for the two lovely reviews I've received so far, and I would absolutely love it if you could comment your thoughts on the story so far!**

**See you all next chapter xx **

**- Molly **


	8. The Radio Station

**Chapter 8: The Radio Station**

Over the course of the week, they had both decided to slowly start coming out as a couple to people. They had pretty much immediately told Chris and PJ since they knew that they weren't just accepting of them, but apparently very heavily shipping them. They'd travelled down to stay with Dan's parents and then to Phil's, to stay for a few days and tell them the news. Of course they were nervous about it, but both families had been very accepting and delighted if it made them happy.

At the end of the week when the pair had finally arrived back at their apartment, Dan asked the question that had somehow been overlooked: "Are we going to tell the fans?"

Phil stopped unpacking and sat down on his bed. "… I hadn't even thought of that."

Dan leant against the doorframe in deep thought. "I guess we could. I mean, it _would _make it easier. We wouldn't have to try to cover it and avoid that topic…"

"Plus, half the fandom already thinks we're dating," Phil joked.

Dan laughed. "We should tell everyone we work with on Radio1 like our producer and Kathryn and all those people - it would make it easier to be able to relax around the people we work with, you know?"

"Mmmm…" Phil hummed in response, making a mental list of the people they had left to tell.

Dan walked over from the doorway and plopped himself down on the bed next to Phil, lying back and looking up on the ceiling. Phil began to think to himself about his relationship with Dan. Usually when he'd dated people previously, there'd always been the nervousness and uncertainty of how the other would act - the simple gesture of sitting next to them was terrifying. That didn't happen with Dan, he was familiar and predictable, in a nice way. They'd been dating for less than a week, but it felt completely natural and comfortable in every way.

"Video?"

"Huh?" Phil was snapped out of his train of thought.

"Should we make that video now?"

"Uh, yeah… I guess we should."

They set up the camera and the lighting, and sat down on the sofa together. Phil was starting to feel nervous. The idea of coming out to their fans seemed okay at the beginning, but now it was happening. Thousands - no, millions - of people were about to find out that they were dating. Imagine the amount of criticism they were about to receive.

"Okay, so I was thinking we could open and then-… Are you okay, Phil? You're shaking…" Dan asked, sounding concerned.

"What? Oh… Uh, yeah. I- I'm fine…" Phil sighed, "It's just daunting with so many people."

"I know, but there are always going to be people who disagree. Just think about how much easier it'll be once we've told everyone and let things cool down." Dan said reassuringly.

"I guess so…"

Dan leant over and kissed him. Gently at first, but then he deepened the kiss, pushing Phil back into the sofa. Phil laughed and pushed him off, "Are we going to film that video, or not?"

Dan slumped back into the sofa, whining, "But Phiiiiiil…"

They composed themselves and had extensive 'fringe-checks' before pressing the record button.

"Hello internet!" Dan opened with his usual greeting. "We're sorry that we haven't done a video in a while, but we've been visiting a lot of family this week, and we have an announcement to make…"

Phil picked up where Dan had left off, "A lot of you have been asking us if we're going out, or 'if phan is real'," Phil said, mocking the tone of the fangirls, "And we've denied it every time."

"But, we've decided to finally tell you that… We're… Dating…" Dan said cautiously, as if he was waiting for an explosion of abuse and aggravation to come out of the camera lens.

"We haven't actually been dating for as long as some of you think," Phil said, laughing. "But we thought that we should be able to tell you so that we're able to feel comfortable, and we really hope that you guys choose to be supportive to us."

"And guys," Dan interjected, "This isn't the place to rant or give us hate, because if you have that you can take it elsewhere."

They chatted about what else had happened that week and some of the funny occurrences with family members, before finally ending the video.

"I think that went pretty well." Dan said over his shoulder to Phil as he packed away the camera.

"Yeah. I know it'll feel like a weight's been lifted off once we upload it."

The weekend came and passed, and over the course of the two days, they received millions of YouTube views and comments. There were many comments of negativity and threats to unsubscribe, but the large majority of the fan's responses were positive, saying that they were happy they'd found each other. Out of the hundreds of comments they received, they decided that the majority of them were just random bursts of excitement over the keyboard or capitalised comments from Chris. Both boy's twitter accounts were bursting with tweets, and every time one would try to open the app, it would crash due to the fact that the technology could not keep up with the thousands of screaming fans from all around the world.

On Sunday evening they decided to catch a taxi to the Radio1 recording station rather than walking like they usually did as they were well aware that the fans knew about their routine recordings, and may be lingering around the station after the most recent news. Phil brought up the fact that it would probably be a good time to tell their producers and everyone they worked with at Radio1, since many of them would have probably seen or heard of their most recent video. When they arrived, they were greeted by many of the staff congratulating them on being brave enough to come out, and saying that they were happy for the pair. As they were heading to one of the recording booths, a young lady with her hair pinned back and immaculately done makeup, carrying a small clipboard with a timetable approached them.

"Dan and Phil?" She enquired.

Both boys spun around. "Yeah, that's us."

"Kathryn said she'd like to briefly see you at her desk." The lady said, glancing down at her schedule. Kathryn was their co-producer and they basically got all their messages through her. She of course got them from their official producer (a middle-aged man who insisted on being called 'Sir Hendrick-Crohme') whom they rarely saw as he was some big hot-shot co-owner who'd bought shares of Radio1 and was constantly traveling or at expensive holiday destinations.

Phil glanced uncertainly at Dan, and Dan returned the look, before they thanked the woman and headed to Kathryn's office. The lady had - like basically everyone else - congratulated them before returning to her work, and Dan leant over to Phil, whispering, "Jesus - it's like we've just gotten bloody engaged or something…" sending Phil into uncontrollable giggles.

They knocked on the office door and were beckoned to enter by a voice on the other side. "Afternoon boys. How are you two doing?"

Still trying to suppress giggles, they eventually managed to muster up a reasonable response, allowing her to continue.

"It has come to my attention that you two have recently come out as a couple, am I right?"

"Uhhh… Yes…?" Phil answered, not sure as to what she was getting at.

Kathryn sighed, twiddling a pen between her fingers. "I've been in contact with Sir Hendrick-Crohme and he um, wants to cut your show…"

Suddenly all humour and childish giggles drained from the room. "WHAT?!" Dan asked, perplexed. "Why?!"

"He's just worried about the certain things that are affiliated with 'coming out', and he's concerned about the listener percentage decreasing, and-… Here I'll call him so you can hear it from him directly." Kathryn dialled a number into a key pad and scooped up a phone. "Hello? Can you please put me on to Sir Hendrick-Crohme, please?… Thank you… Hello?… Evening, Sir. I just have Dan and Phil with me and-… Um, yes, they are those two… Well, they were wondering if they could speak to you about your motives to cut the show?… Okay, I'll put you onto them now…"

Kathryn handed the phone to the pair and Dan angrily snatched it, putting it on speaker so they could both hear. "Hello?"

"Ah, Dan. Good evening. How is your-"

Dan sighed. "Cut the crap - why the _hell_ are you cutting our show?"

"Well, I'm sure you'll understand that given the current… 'circumstances', we need to be thinking about the future of the show and the overall popularity and expected decrease in listeners-"

"'Popularity of the show'?! These are our jobs you're talking about!"

"Yes, I understand that, but we can't exactly have you as radio hosts when the entire world knows that you two are dating."

"WHY THE HELL NOT?!" Dan was trying to contain his fury, but was easily about to be pushed over the edge.

Phil calmly took the phone from Dan's hand and began to talk, not waiting for their producer's response. "What I don't understand is that we're supposed to be Britain - one of the 'leading countries, filled with acceptance and equality' - and you're cutting our show? I might be able to understand it if we'd said or done something majorly offensive, or if we continuously said our lines wrong or spoke inappropriately, but we haven't. We've done absolutely nothing wrong and you have no right to cut our show."

"Look, lets be honest here," their producer continued. "This isn't about you. It's never been about you. It's about the show and giving the people what they want. In fact, isn't about you, it's-"

"It's all about you isn't it?!" Dan cut him off. "Guess what? You can shove your fucking show up your ass. Just because you're homophobic and care more about money and popularity than facing reality, you have no fucking right to fire us from our jobs. And you know what?" Dan laughed. "From day one you've treated us like shit and I'll be happy if you cut our show so that I never have to deal with your crap again!" Dan ended the call, chucked the phone onto Kathryn's desk and stormed out the room before anyone had time to say or do anything. He could hear Phil calling his name and telling him to stop and slow down as he stormed through the reception and out the front door onto the street. Finally Phil caught up to him, but neither said anything to the other for the entire journey home.

When they finally got back to the apartment, Dan immediately went into his room, slamming the door behind him. Phil sighed and chucked the keys onto the kitchen bench before collapsing on the sofa. Around 20 minutes later, after Phil had run through every tv program twice to see if anything was on, Dan finally appeared from his room.

"I'm sorry, I just-"

"Dan," Phil interjected. "You honestly have nothing to be sorry about. He was being a prick and you had every right to get mad at him."

"It's not that, I'm just sorry about being insensitive towards you. I know how much the radio show meant to you…"

"Honestly, I couldn't care what I had just been fired from as long as I don't have to work with someone who thinks like that."

Dan sat down on the sofa and Phil scooted closer to him, wrapping an arm around his frame. Phil could tell that even though Dan didn't want to show it, he was all-round disappointed - by their producer, by blowing up in front of half the workers at Radio1, by losing the radio station. "You know, now that we won't be doing the radio show on Sundays, we could always bring back The Super Amazing Project," Phil suggested.

"Yeah?"

Phil nodded in response. "I think that would be fun. And we can start doing some more stuff with Chris and PJ."

"The Fantastic Foursome back together again," Dan joked.

Phil smiled. "Sounds good to me."

**A / N: Whooo I'm super pumped for the next ****chapter**** - I have a very cruel plot line in mind ;)**

**Don't forget to leave a little review! xx**

**See you next chapter :) **


	9. The Fantastic Foursome

**Chapter 9: The Fantastic Foursome**

The next morning Dan woke up and rolled over to find that Phil had already gotten up. Dragging himself out of the warmth of his bed, Dan sleepily plodded down the hall and into the kitchen to make some breakfast.

"… Really?… Yeah, that sounds great… Okay! I'll see you soon!" Bits of Phil's phone call wafted through throughout the living room as Dan poured himself a bowl of Lucky Charms.

Dan heard him hang up so he called over his shoulder, "What was that about?"

Phil joined him in the kitchen, pulling out one of the stools. "I was just chatting to Chris - we're gonna go meet up with him and Peej in an hour."

"Uhhhhhhh," Dan groaned. "But it's too early…"

"It's nearly 1 o'clock in the afternoon, Dan…"

"Exactly."

Phil laughed before getting out of his chair and kissing Dan on the cheek. "I'm gonna go get ready."

Phil returned to his room, while Dan slowly ate his breakfast and scrolled through tumblr. He'd had a shower and straitened his hair the day before, so he basically just needed to get out of his chair and chuck on the closest pair of clothes when they were about to walk out the door.

When both boys were dressed and ready, they hailed a taxi and were driven to the address they had provided for Chris' house. They knocked on the door and were greeted by PJ who said that Chris was still 'setting up'. The paired shared a series of uncertain glances, before heading into the living room where they knew this 'setting up' would be occurring. They found Chris sitting on the floor with various items sprawled around, two bottles of vodka, four shot glasses, and a camera.

"Oh god…" Dan exclaimed in a fed-up manner. "Chris, how many times do we have to tell you that we're not going to get drunk with you at 2:30 in the afternoon?"

"But Daaaaan," Chris whined. "It's for a game."

Dan looked to Phil to back him up, but Phil just shrugged, saying, "Sure, why not?"

"Yay! Okay, here are the rules…"

Chris explained how a name would be drawn out of a hat and if it was yours, you had to do a challenge created by the others using only items in the room. But, all the people who's names weren't drawn had to take a shot.

After Phil's moaning over the fact that the game involved drinking, the four were seated in a circle on the living room floor, surrounded by the various items. PJ turned the camera on and Chris opened the video, introducing the three other boys and himself as the 'Fantastic Foursome'. He discussed the idea of the new game he had created, and then wrote everyone's names on pieces of paper, placing them inside a cup. PJ took the cup of names and exaggeratedly swirled his fingers around the concave structure, acting like a sort of mystical magician. "Just pick a bloody name all ready!" Chris huffed, slapping PJ's arm.

"Okay, okay!" PJ drew a name and read it, before turning to the camera and declaring aloud that it was Phil.

Phil internally thanked whatever gods there may be for not making him have to take a shot (because everyone knew how much of a lightweight he was), but then regretted it when he had to mix warm mayonnaise and uncooked pasta in a bowl and eat it.

They went rolling through the different scenarios with various items one by one, as each of their names were drawn. By the time Chris had danced the tango with a mop (before tripping over it), they were several rounds into the game and all considerably drunk. Chris picked himself up off the floor leaving the mop and rejoining the group. "My turn to pick someone!" Chris menacingly grinned before grabbing the bowl of names and drawing one out. He unfolded the piece of paper and said aloud "Chris", before realising that he'd forgotten to take his own name out before choosing one. The group burst into hysterical laughter and Dan was giggling so much that he rolled into Phil's lap, crying with laughter. There was something in the back of Phil's mind that was telling him that they'd all probably had a _bit _too much to drink, but the more intoxicated side took over and told him to just roll with it. Chris drew another name, this time removing his own. "Dan!"

"Nooo…" Dan buried his head into Phil's lap. "I don't want you guys to make me eat any more disgusting food.."

"Fine," Chris stated disappointedly. Suddenly his eyes brightened as if he had a deceiving plan. "Dan?"

"Yep." Dan slurred, concluding with a hiccup.

"Kiss the most attractive person in the room." Dan was about to say something when Chris interjected. "And I know you'll want to kiss me, but keep in mind that I do have a girlfriend."

PJ snorted, "Yeah right."

"Well, I would if I spent less time with you weirdoes, getting drunk at 3 o'clock in the afternoon for the bloody internet."

PJ started giggling to himself, off in a world of his own, as Dan began thinking over the question. "I have to -" He hiccuped, interrupting his sentence. "- kiss the most attractive person here?"

"Yep!" Chris replied, wiggling his eyebrows at Phil who began to adopt the colour of a beetroot.

"Fine," Dan smiled seductively (and more or less drunkenly) in PJ's direction before leaning over and kissing him. And not just a quick peck on the lips, but a full-on, proper kiss. Phil couldn't remember anything after that as he passed out due to his drunkenness.

**A / N: DAN NO LEAVE PJ ALONE**

**I'm currently writing some chapters as I'm waiting for my next flight at the airport to take me and my family to LONDONNNNNN (or as I like to refer to it as: DAN AND PHIL LANDDDDDDD) **

**In 13 hours I'll be in England and omgomgomg I'm so excited andsorryillshutupnowipromise**

**Thanks for the reviews lovelies and I will see you next chapter! xx**


	10. Arguments

**Chapter 10: Arguments **

**A / N: GUYS, YOU KNOW HOW I SAID I WAS GOING TO LONDON, LAST CHAPTER?**

**WELL I'M HERE AND I MET DAN AND PHIL, I KID YOU NOT**

**I LITERALLY FRIGGIN MET THEM ASTDYSADYUSFUGGHJKL**

**Check my most recent post on my instagram page ( lotr_elvenprincess) where I explained what happened because omgadsadstcaysuavdushjkl**

**Anyway, here's the next chapter! (Sorry for the late updates, but it's hard to find time while I'm on holidays) xx**

The next morning a rich, golden sunlight peeped through the windows, filtering into Phil's eyelids and waking him up. He moaned and rolled over, suddenly gasping and clutching his head as a result of a piercing headache. The fuzziness and clouded thoughts as a result of the hangover wafted through the room, and as Phil squinted around, he discovered that basically everyone had just fallen asleep where they'd been filming the video on the floor. Chris had managed to pull a throw off the sofa and over his head, blocking out the light of the morning. Dan was lying face-down on the floorboards and Phil was about to shake him to wake him up, when he realised that he was lying snuggled up to PJ, and the memories of the previous night suddenly came back. Dan had kissed PJ. And PJ had kissed him back. Dan thought PJ was the 'most attractive person in the room'.

_I really, really fucked up… _Phil thought to himself. _How did I not see this going on? _

People always say that drunkenness makes you say or act on what you want most, or what you feel strongly about. So Dan felt strongly about kissing PJ then. Suddenly Phil felt like he'd been punched in the stomach and he had an overwhelming urge to scream in anger. He realised that he needed to get out before he did something he regretted like smashing Chris' furniture, so he pushed himself off the floor and grabbed his jacket, running out the door and slamming it behind him.

The noise and vibrations the slamming door had created echoed through the small flat, waking up the remaining trio. The room was filled with the sound of Chris moaning in aggravation of being woken up to a pounding headache. Dan cracked an eye open and was immediately aware of the presence of someone pressed up against his back. He assumed it was Phil, and shut his eyes again, snuggling into the warmth of the person behind him. Then he realised that something was wrong. His eyes shot open again and scanned the room. Chris was still whining and trying to block out the sunlight, and Phil had gone from where he had fallen asleep last night, meaning that it had to be PJ behind him. Pushing away from PJ, Dan stared in shock as he remembered how Chris had challenged him to kiss the most attractive person and he'd kissed PJ. God, it was just so wrong. PJ began to wake up, groaning slightly as he exposed his eyes to the sunlight. Suddenly his eyes widened as they met with Dan's, and they both lay there staring at each other in shock. Dan realised that if Phil had woken up before him, he would have seen him and PJ lying together. _Shit. _"Phil…" Dan said, before jumping off the ground and racing out the door.

He caught a bus that dropped him ten minutes away from his and Phil's apartment, leaving some time to recompose his thoughts and work out what to say to Phil. When Dan finally got off the bus, he found that all that was running through his head was " . . .shit.", so he began to run through the streets to the flat. He sprinted up the flights of stairs and burst through the front door to see the apartment looking like a total wreck. Dan entered cautiously, peering round the kitchen into the living room. "Phil?"

The noise of a door opening from down the hall was heard, and Phil came storming into the room. "How long?" Dan looked at him confusedly, so he repeated louder and angrier than previously, "HOW LONG, DAN?!"

"I don't know what you mean!" Dan said defensively.

"Have you been dating PJ this whole time?"

"What?!" Dan looked at Phil to see if he was joking, but he soon realised he was dead serious. "Why the hell would you think that?!"

"Well you like him don't you?" Phil returned, spitefully.

"Phil, I don't know what you're-"

"DAN, DO YOU LIKE HIM OR NOT?!"

"OKAY! YES HE'S ATTRACTIVE! But I don't like him Phil! I was drunk and acting impulsively!"

Phil just shook his head and started walking back to his room, and Dan ran after him, not wanting his apology to go amiss. Dan grabbed his arm and stopped him. "Phil, I swear it was nothing - I was drunk…"

"Nothing? You call kissing PJ right in front of me 'nothing'?"

"No, that's not what I-"

"Don't even bother Dan," Phil said, shaking him off.

"But I-"

"Dan, this was a mistake." Dan suddenly froze and stopped trying to not let Phil get away. Phil sighed and ran a hand over his face. "I knew that there were going to be… 'problems' if we started dating. There was so much at risk since we were best friends-"

"_Are _best friends…" Dan corrected quietly.

Phil didn't even look at Dan as he continued. "I can't trust you, Dan."

"Phil! I was drunk!"

"YOU STILL KISSED HIM!"

"I couldn't help it, I wasn't thinking strait!"

"Dan, you were drunk so you acted impulsively on what you wanted - which was PJ. You're too young and immature, and it was all a big mistake to take 'this'," Phil signalled between himself and Dan, "Further."

"I'm less than five years younger than you!"

"Dan, you haven't even gone to college!"

_Ouch… _

Phil realised that that probably came out a lot stronger than he'd wanted it too, but he continued anyway. "I've had proper jobs and met proper people. I've got proper degrees and I've had real experiences. You've only just turned 23 and you're just sitting around in your room all day complaining that you don't do anything!"

Suddenly Dan's fist connected with Phil's face, sending him stumbling backwards. Dan had never punched another person before in his life, but he felt like if there was ever a time to break that streak, it was now. Before Phil had a chance to say anything more, Dan slammed out the door and hailed a taxi, knowing exactly where he was going. He gave the driver the address and knew that it was about a 45 minute drive and was going to cost a shit load, but he didn't care - he just needed to get away from everything. Pulling out his phone, Dan began to text his mum.

**From: Daniel**

**To: Mum**

**hey mum. i was wondering if i could come and stay with you & dad for a bit. i had a fight with phil…**

He stuffed his phone back in his pocket and lay his head back on the seat, listening to the bustle of the city pass by. About five minutes later a chime rang from Dan's phone notifying him that he had a text.

**From: Mum**

**To: Daniel**

**Of course hun - you're welcome any time. What happened with Phil? xx**

Dan sighed, not really wanting to tell her the situation, let alone the situation over text message.

**From: Daniel**

**To: Mum**

**i'll tell u about it when i get there. see u in about half an hour**

A reply was received and Dan read it, before shoving his phone in his pocket for a final time.

**From: Mum**

**To: Daniel**

**See you soon sweetie xxxx**


	11. Alone

**Chapter 11: Alone**

The taxi eventually pulled up out the front of Dan's parents' house and he paid the driver before heading up the pathway. Before he even knocked on the door it swung open to reveal his mother standing there looking concerned. "How are you, sweetie?"

"Uh, fine… Well, not really…"

His mum sighed. "Okay, well let me help you with your bags."

"I, um, kind of left in a rush…" Dan admitted, embarrassedly.

"Ah…" She stated, not knowing what else to say. "Well, let's get you inside then." She ushered him through the door, closing it as he walked in. They sat down awkwardly on the sofa together.

"Your dad's out at the shops at the moment…" Dan's mother informed.

"Ah, okay…"

"So… Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"I, uh, had a fight with Phil…"

"What were you arguing about?"

"No - I literally punched him."

His mum looked shocked and was about to say something when she closed her mouth again and simply said, "It must have been bad then…"

"I was just drunk and I made a mistake that I really regret, and then me and Phil argued over it…"

"Wait, Phil didn't catch you-"

"What? No! It was for a YouTube video with Chris and PJ," Dan quickly confirmed. "And I just did something stupid…"

"Sweetie, Phil did realise that you were drunk, didn't he? Because people do things that they don't mean to when they're under the influence of alcohol."

"I know - I tried telling him! But I guess I should have known better… God, I don't know what was going through my head at the time."

Dan's mother could sense his rising anxiety and self-aggravation at the subject, so she tried to reassure him. "I'm sure it'll all be fine when everything cools down. You and Phil have been living together for so long that you just need some time apart."

The next few days passed with no contact from Phil, while Dan stayed in his old room, waiting for the next move to be made. After a week, Phil had still made no effort to contact Dan, and Dan slowly began to realise that no moves were actually going to be made. Phil had uploaded another video because, unlike Dan, he ensured that he had a new video every week, posting on a regular basis. In his video he mentioned nothing of Dan nor the events of the week prior, and pretended to act as if everything was as it always was. Try as he might, Dan noticed that there was a certain enthusiasm and brightness that was clearly lacking from Phil's manner, and even though Dan was still not going to forgive Phil for what he'd said, it hurt him to see Phil lacking that certain Phil-ness that made him so special.

Phil was clearly still mad, so he hadn't made contact, and neither had PJ, Dan noted. He was probably too embarrassed or shocked from the previous week's filming to actually call or come round. The only person who had been in touch with Dan was Chris, who sent a series of texts expressing how disappointed he was and reminding Dan how much he'd screwed up. Needless to say, those texts went unanswered, but continued to eat away in the back of Dan's mind, feeding on his sanity and slowly driving him into a dark bout of depression.

Despite the coaxing of Dan's parents, he barely came out of his room except to eat, and even then those times were becoming a rarity. The feeling of pure and sheer loneliness began to consume him, making him realise how alone people are in the world. A voice nagged him in the back of his mind, taunting him, and dragging him into an escape-less, existential realisation.

_You are alone. Everyone is essentially alone. You try to pretend and crowd around people to prove that you're not, but no one really understands. No one 100 percent cares, even though they may say they do. It's just you. No one cares about you here, not even Phil. You will never be fully accepted for who you are and if you're not prefect, no one wants you. You try to stay strong and be brave, and no one notices. And then you break, and people start to notice. Not in a helpful or selfless way, but in an annoyed manner. You've wasted their time and you're weak. They're under a lot of pressure without you. You're just extra weight being carted around and ruining things. No one wants you. No one needs you. If you died no one would need you. People would be sad and miss your top moments - but that's it. Your top moments are the only things that would be missed, not your bad moments or how you truly are. No one cares about that. People only need each other to improve themselves. They don't need people like you who will bring them down and be a weight. That's all you were to Phil - a weight. And now you've gone and ruined everything with your stupid decisions and negativity. Your top moments are all people envision you by and all they want to see. If you died no one would truly care. If your were the type of person to bring happiness and positivity to other people's lives they would miss the benefits they reaped from you. But if you're that pathetic guy who can't even trust himself to be alone, no one will need you. Their lives will go on without you. They would move on and be happy and forget about you. So you start faking. The disguising of a personality. Trying to cover the sadness with false positivity. But why should you try to be happy? Why should you force yourself when you hate everything around you? I'll tell you why you do it. You do it to make everything just a little bit better and to try and forget the inevitability of life - that you are alone. _

When you have no one around you to fully understand you and guide you, you very easily lose your way, having only your mind to keep you company. Dan was being driven into a spiralling insanity, hating on himself for making the choices he made and being the way he was. The worst part was that he had no one to drag him out again, so he just kept falling deeper and deeper. He went back to cutting himself. Taking pleasure in the pain of shredding his own skin and watching as rivulets of blood poured from his body.

_I deserve worse than this… _Dan thought, bitterly. _I don't even deserve to live. No one needs me or cares about me. If I died now no one would care. I am alone._

**A / N: Don't forget to leave a little review! They inspire me to update faster ;) xx**

**See you next chapter to find out what happens to Dan… **


	12. Acceptance and Apologies

**A / N: Look at me with my fast updates ;) You guys said you needed it, so here's the next chapter! xx**

**Chapter 12: Acceptance and Apologies **

Phil's week had passed slightly differently to Dan's. He'd still had the stability of staying in the flat, he was uploading videos, and he was spending time with Chris. Several texts had been received from PJ, who was trying to put the blame on Dan for the kiss, so Phil was ignoring him for being so immature about the situation.

"Peej is acting like such a kid…" Phil complained to Chris when they'd met up for lunch later that week. "He keeps trying to say that it was all Dan's fault."

"Have you spoken to Dan since… You know…?" Chris tried his best to delicately bring the subject up.

"No…"

"But you have forgiven him, right?"

Phil just looked away, and Chris sighed. "Phil, you are going to have to forgive him at some point you realise…"

"But he kissed PJ!"

"Yes, but he apologised!" Chris argued. "What more do you want from him?"

Phil turned away stubbornly, not wanting to make eye contact. He knew to some extent that Chris was right, but he was still generally pissed at the whole situation. Every time he thought of how harsh he'd been on Dan when they'd had that argument, he remembered how Dan had punched him, and he immediately lost sympathy. Phil picked at his salad and Chris got the message that he was done with the topic, so he pushed out his chair and got up. "Call him," Chris said before chucking ten pound onto the table to cover for his meal.

Phil ran a hand across his face after Chris had left, before finally getting up to pay. _Maybe I should just call him… _Just at that moment, his phone chimed with a new text message.

**To: Phil**

**From: PJ**

**Phil come on, talk to me. You know I didn't kiss Dan - he kissed me. I don't even like him!**

He considered replying, but then shoved his phone back in his pocket, and walked over to the cash register. He was greeted by a girl who looked slightly younger than him, with long, blond hair that she irritatingly flicked around.

"Hey," she said flirtatiously. "You wanting to pay for your meal?"

Phil nodded boredly, and she began to tap away at the register screen. "Table 7, right?"

"Oh, uh, yeah…" He replied, not fully listening to what the girl was saying as his mind drifted elsewhere.

"You paying for both meals? For you and that guy who left, I mean?"

"Yeah…?" Phil answered, unsure as to what she was getting at.

"He your boyfriend then?" She asked, wiggling her eyebrows.

Phil really wasn't in the mood to make conversation, but he played along anyway. "Uh, no he's not my boyfriend." He answered, disinterestedly.

"Good," the girl replied, printing off the receipt and handing it over to Phil. As he took the receipt he noticed that the girl had written her number followed by '_- Camille xx_'_._ She winked at him and began to walk away to seat further customers, but he stopped her.

"That guy might not have been my boyfriend, but I am dating someone." Phil said confidently.

"Oh, uh, I-" Phil smiled to himself as the girl - 'Camille' - awkwardly stuttered over her words.

"Yeah, his name's Dan and we live together," Phil started to tease, suddenly taking interest in the conversation. "In fact, we've been living together for about three years, and its coming up to our anniversary-"

"Ah, that's great, but I really have to serve some customers now…" Camille answered before rushing off and getting lost in the crowd.

Phil smiled to himself as he walked out the restaurant, and he began to think of Dan and how much he really missed him. He pulled his phone out to see that PJ had texted him twice more, asking for Phil's forgiveness because 'it was Dan's fault'. Finally Phil realised what he wanted to say, so he unlocked his phone and began texting in reply to PJ.

**To: PJ**

**From: Phil**

**PJ, I know that you've apologised and I know you didn't purposely kiss him. And I should forgive you, but do you know why I can't? You're blaming Dan for something that you were equally responsible for. It's immature and I can only forgive you if your accept and apologise for what you actually did.**

His phone didn't buzz for a while, indicating that PJ was considering his response and hadn't immediately lashed out. Phil caught the tube home and spent most of the trip scrolling through twitter and responding to comments on his latest YouTube video. He noticed that a lot of people had started asking why they hadn't heard from Dan through his channel or twitter or instagram for a while, which Phil had so far been ignoring. _Trust the fans to notice when something is up with one of us, _Phil thought to himself, smiling.

He finally arrived home around half an hour later, dumping his bag on the kitchen bench and heading to his room. He began considering filming another video based on a vague idea he'd had while out at lunch, but he was interrupted by his phone dancing across his desk and singing out his ringtone. Assuming it was PJ, he hesitated to pick up the phone, trying to plan how the conversation would go. As he was about to accept the call, he looked down at the caller ID to see it was Dan. _I guess it's probably time to talk to him, anyway… _He thought as he accepted it, but was shocked when he heard crying coming from the other side of the line.

_"__I'm sorry, Phil… I'm so, so sorry…"_

**A / N: Sorry for another cliffhanger! Leave reviews if you want the next chapter quicker ;) xx**


	13. The Phone Call

**Chapter 13: The Phone Call**

**A / N: I'm supposed to be doing homework, but then I was kind of like "fuck that, I have followers who need a new chapter" *rips off clothes to reveal superman outfit* **

"I'm sorry, Phil… I'm so, so sorry…" Dan was sobbing as he choked out the words down the phone.

"Dan? What's wrong?" Phil's voice was full of concern and shock - this wasn't at all how he thought his first conversation with Dan would go.

"I- I just cant do this anymore…" Dan continued.

He was getting bad. Phil could tell just from his voice. This wasn't how Dan would normally act - even during his occasional panic attacks. _I need to calm him down… _ Phil thought to himself.

"Do what anymore?" Phil calmly asked.

"I… I love you…"

"Dan…"

"I'm sorry… I h-have to do this…" He sounded distant and vague, and Phil needed to grab his attention before he hung up.

"Dan! Talk to me! Do what?"

The noise of muffled crying floated down the phone, before Dan quietly said, "I'm scared, Phil… I d-don't want to go…"

"You're not going anywhere on my watch."

_You're so pathetic that you can't even do this, _Dan's mind taunted. He took a steadying breath before attempting to continue. _This is for the better, you're such a massive waste_. "I really am sorry Phil. I love you, and you've helped me so much. But you can't help me now."

Suddenly the seriousness of the issue set in for Phil and in that moment he was overwhelmed by the chance that he could lose his best friend. "DAN!"

"Goodbye." The phone suddenly cut out, indicating that Dan had ended the call. Phil screamed in anger and pure terror, and gripped onto his duvet, tears flowing down his face. His heart was racing and he felt so out of control and so useless, as if there was no way he could stop Dan, so he screamed again. Suddenly the door to their flat burst open and their neighbour rushed in, calling out. It didn't take him long to locate where Phil was, and he ran over to Phil's curled up body.

"PHIL! What's wrong?!" He bent down next to Phil's adrenaline-filled body and rested a supportive hand on his back. Suddenly Phil's vision began to blur and he dry-heaved, feeling queasy. He recognised the man squatting next to him as their neighbour Cory, whom they had spoken to several times.

"Phil! What's going on?! Where's Dan?" Suddenly Phil's mind kicked back into reality and he hauled himself up off the carpeted floor, heading for the door.

"No, no, no. You're not going anywhere in this state," Cory held him back, blocking his exit. "What happened? Are you drunk?"

Phil's mind was racing and his body was shaking with adrenaline. He leant forward and gagged again, feeling dizzy as all the blood drained from his head and into his legs, preparing for him to run. "D- Dan… I need to get to Dan." Phil tried pushing past Cory, but Cory held his ground.

"Not until you tell me what's going on."

Suddenly Phil lost his patience and shoved Cory from the doorway. "I JUST NEED TO GET TO DAN, OKAY?!"

"Okay! Okay!" Cory held up his hands in defence. "But you're in no state to go anywhere by yourself - I'll drive you."

Phil internally thanked Cory as he knew that taking a bus or a taxi would have been a lot slower, and he started running down the series of stairs to the car park. Cory followed him, jogging along, and unlocked the car. He started up the engine while Phil slipped into the backseat, pulling out his phone. As Phil began to enter his passcode he shot Cory the address of Dan's parents' house, and they pulled out of the spot, heading towards their destination. Phil opened his contacts and Dan's name immediately came up under the 'Recents' tab, so he hit the number. The call rang out and went to Dan's voicemail. Phil angrily pulled the phone away from his ear and called the number again.

_"__You've reached the voicemail of Dan Howell. Leave a message and I'll most likely not get back to you." _

Dan's sarcastic and humorous tone rang through Phil's ears as he tried to think of what to do next. Suddenly the idea hit him - _His parents. _Phil scrolled through his contacts and brought up Dan's mum. The phone rang twice before it was picked up.

"Hello?"

"Look, you have to listen to me-"

"Oh, hi Phil! How are you?"

Phil didn't have time for polite greetings so he rushed the conversation. "Are you at home right now?"

"What? No dear, we're just round at the shops-"

"So you're not with Dan?"

"No, we left him at home alone."

Phil's mind was spinning and he felt a blast of anger, wanting to scream _WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE?! _He managed to hold himself back enough to say, "You need to get home RIGHT NOW."

"Why? What's happened dear?"

"Dan's in danger and he needs your help! You need to turn around and get home!"

Phil heard distant chatter as Dan's mother relayed the information to her husband, and suddenly responded in a more serious manner. "Okay, we're turning around now."

"I'm driving over now. I'll be there in about five minutes." He hung up before going back into his contacts to call Dan again. Once more it rang through to voicemail, but this time Phil decided to leave a message.

_"__You've reached the voicemail of Dan Howell. Leave a message and I'll most likely not get back to you."_

"Dan, I know you probably won't get this message, but hold on just a bit longer because I'm coming and I'll be there soon and I-… I love you…" Not being able to find anymore words to say, Phil hung up and began to cry.

"Hey, Phil, we're nearly there," Cory said comfortingly. "I'm sure everything's going to be okay…" Even as the words left his mouth Cory realised that it probably wasn't true and he wasn't fooling anybody.

Phil could see Dan's parents' house coming into view through his blurred vision, thick with tears, so he pointed it out to Cory and they pulled up out the front. Before Cory had even parked the car and was only just beginning to slow, Phil swung his door open and leapt out, running towards the house. He knew the front door would be locked, but he tried the handle just incase. Sadly, it was to no avail, so he started to frantically search for an item to smash the front door's ornamental window with. Picking up a pot-plant, he forced the base into the stained glass, causing it to shatter and shower down in a twinkle of festive colours. Once the window was smashed, Phil could then reach his hand down to the indoor handle and unlock the door from the inside. When the familiar sound of the door clicking to notify that it had been released from the lock was heard, Phil shoved the door open and bolted into the house.

"DAN! DAN!" Phil shouted into the house knowing that there would probably be no answer, but just to notify Dan that he had arrived and was coming. If Dan was still there…

Phil's shoes raced across the floorboards of the lounge room, then leapt up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Finally, Phil swung the door to Dan's bedroom open and his eyes frantically darted around, desperately seeking out Dan. And then they landed on him.

Dan's body was lying next to his bed looking bedraggled and unwashed, coated in blood. He was curled up in a limp ball, facing down into the ground.

_No… _Phil's body didn't want to move. _No, this can't be happening… This isn't real…_

His legs wanted to carry him out of the room and as far away from the situation as possible, but a small part of his brain challenged him. _I have to check._

He bent down to the side of Dan's body and gently placed a hand on his shoulder, rolling him over. Dan's body flopped over, and as soon as it made contact with the hard, wooden ground, a small moan of pain escaped from his lips. Suddenly Phil's heart started racing, and he brought a hand up to Dan's face. "Dan?! Dan, can you hear me?" Another barely audible moan.

Suddenly the door burst open and both of Dan's parents flew in, unsure of what they would find. When their eyes landed on Phil clinging to Dan's half-conscious body, Dan's mother immediately ran out the room to grab the landline. Phil could hear her calling someone, and a few minutes later the street was drowned by the sound of ambulance sirens. A series of men and women in matching uniform crashed through the house and up the stairs to the room, pulling Phil off Dan and scooping Dan up. Dan's limp body was carried down the flight of stairs and placed on a stretcher before being loaded into an ambulance. A group of the uniform-clad emergency workers began tearing off Dan's clothes and stuffing various chords and drips into him, while the final members of the team hopped into the ambulance. Both Dan's parents and Phil had run down, and a woman hastily called out, "We can have one person travel with us, and the rest can follow." Phil turned pleadingly to Dan's parents and they both nodded in unison.

"Make sure you take care of him, Phil," Dan's mother called out to him as Phil leapt into the back of the ambulance. "We'll follow behind you in the car."

**A / N: Wow! Sorry for a super long chapter! That was surprisingly really hard to write, and I couldn't find a good time to break it off. Sorry for another cliffy (PLEASE DONT KILL ME). **

**Your reviews have been so amazing and lovely, and they inspire me to update faster! So if you want the next chapter up in the next few days, tell me! :3 xx**


	14. Life and Death

**Chapter 14: Life and Death**

**A / N: SORRY I KNOW THIS CHAPTER IS LATE DON'T KILL ME**

**I dedicate this chapter to Taylor (wonderfulfun) who is cute as frick and has her own adorable teenage AU phanfic so check her out! xx**

The sirens whirred down the street as the ambulance carried Dan's half-conscious form towards the hospital. Most of the journey was a blur to Phil as he watched Dan's body barely cling to life, his racing thoughts drowned out by the rapid and scientific speech of the medics. Dan had severe cuts all down his legs, arms and stomach, which leaked blood until they were covered in temporary dressings and bandages. Against his will, Phil's mind noted how Dan hadn't chosen the quick option out by penetrating his neck area, but instead was planning on creating enough slices to slowly drain all the blood from his body. After speeding through the streets of outer-London for the longest ten minutes of Phil's life, the ambulance finally pulled up in the A & E Department. A hustle of medics exited the building and swarmed around the ambulance, helping load Dan's body on the stretcher and into the building. The sound of car doors slamming from behind the vehicle was heard, and several seconds later Dan's parents appeared. They barely had a moment to take in the scene, before they saw Phil disappearing into the building, chasing after Dan and the ever-growing group of doctors. The stretcher squeaked under the ache of having to carry yet another suffering passenger onto the Emergency Room, and various doctors were yelling across to each other about Dan's state.

"Patient has suffered major blood loss through various openings throughout the body. Stitches will be needed for most of the wounds. He'll need a drip and a blood transfusion before his fluid levels get too low."

They turned a corner, pushing the stretcher at a rapid pace, and Phil assumed that they were heading for Surgery. Just at that moment, one of the nurses broke away from the group, stopping Phil from continuing any further. "I'm sorry sir, but you're going to have to wait out here," she motioned to a strip of lone chairs sitting at the far end of the room. "We're taking him into Surgery now, and we can give you an update on the patient's state in around 10 to 30 minutes. Can you tell me his name so I can run him through the medical records?"

"Daniel Howell - he's been a patient here a few years back."

The nurse suddenly looked concerned. "With the same… Issues?" Phil could tell that she knew it was self-imposed injuries, and quickly corrected her.

"No, no! He had a reaction to a prescribed medication he was taking."

Their conversation was cut short by Dan's parents jogging down the corridor and shouting Phil's name to catch his attention. The nurse quickly took over and filled them both in on the same information that Phil had been provided with.

"You're Daniel's parents, I take it?"

"Yes, we are. Is he going to be alright?" Dan's father asked, voice reeking with fear.

"A statement will be provided by one of the surgeons in the next quarter of an hour or so," the nurse reassured. She briefly disappeared to find some forms for Dan's parents to fill in, so the three awaiting to hear news on Dan took a seat. Dan's mother looked nervously to her husband in the seat directly next to her, and he returned the glance, reaching over and taking her hand in his own. They had each other. Two people who had met and fallen in love, and become each other's worlds. _And my world is about to be taken away from me… _Phil needed to get up. He couldn't just sit there waiting for those words of inevitability to be heard. Pushing out of his chair, Phil began to head down the corridor, not bothering to notify anyone on where he was headed. His rubber-soled shoes squeaked down the white, glossy floors as Phil started power-walking down the sterilised halls.

_This could be it, _he suddenly thought. _The end of the Mario Kart marathons that end at 5:00am, the awkward sexy end screen dances and existential crisis's. The end of my best friend. _

Aftermeandering aimlessly for around ten minutes, Phil began to consider heading back to where Dan's parents where waiting, when the nurse from earlier suddenly appeared at the end of the same room Phil was in.

_Shit, shit, shit. _Phil's brain was panicking. _This is it._

The nurse must have sensed Phil's fear, so she called across the room. "He's woken up."

Phil froze, not trusting that his ears had transferred the correct message to his brain. But then he noticed that the nurse was smiling, and he clapped a hand over his mouth. Suddenly his face broke into a grin, and he had to restrain himself from running up to the nurse and hugging her.

"Mr. and Mrs. Howell are visiting him at the moment, and then afterwards-"

"Can I see him?" Phil interrupted, vocalising the most vital question on his mind.

The nurse faltered. "I'm sorry, but we can only allow family and people holding marital bonds to the patient to visit…"

_Family? Maybe she'll believe that I'm his cousin? No… _Phil knew that he had to speak to Dan one way or another. _Wait - marital bonds!_

"He's my fiancé."

"Oh! You're- oh!" The nurse looked as if she was fitting the final pieces of a puzzle together. "You should have said!"

"I, uh, didn't think it would make any difference before now…" Phil lied.

"Right, of course. Come with me then." The nurse led Phil back through the maze of corridors and to another whitened room, identical to the thousands of rooms throughout the building. It was situated near the Surgery, and Phil could hear light chatter drifting from within the doors. Walking ahead, the nurse opened the doors, Phil gingerly trailing behind, not sure of what state Dan would be in when he saw him. Dan's parents were sitting on a pair of identical chairs next to a hospital bed that was slightly propped up with Dan lying in the centre. A series of drips were attached to his arms, pumping a clear-yellow liquid into his body. Phil noticed how all Dan's legs and arms had been cleaned, stitched and bandaged up, disguising them from the outside world. As soon as Phil entered the room, both Dan and his parents looked up to meet his glance. Dan's eyes lit up and he started grinning, Phil responding in the same manner. "We'll leave you two to chat," Dan's mother said, squeezing Phil's arm encouragingly as she passed him on the way out the room. As soon as the nurse had left and closed the door behind them, Phil ran over to the hospital bed and wrapped his arms around Dan, holding his body tightly against his own. "I thought I'd lost you…" Phil whispered. Dan desperately wanted to reassure him that it would never happen again, but he wasn't sure he could trust himself after the events that had occurred earlier that day. "I told my parents about everything…"

Phil was still holding Dan tightly, and almost inaudibly whispered, "Was it me?"

"What?" Dan suddenly pulled away, holding onto Phil's shoulders.

Phil looked down, not wanting to make eye contact. "I shouldn't have overreacted. I shouldn't have said all that. God, I shouldn't have left you alone. I'm so, so sorry. This is all my fault…"

Phil, still avoiding eye contact, felt his vision begin to blur through a field of tears. "Hey, of course it wasn't you," Dan said reassuringly, pulling him into another hug. "You have done so much for me Phil. Don't you ever think this was any of your fault." Phil buried his head into the crook of Dan's neck, and Dan began to press kisses to his head.

"Who was it then?" Phil mumbled from his position.

Dan sighed and lay back on his bed, dropping his head onto a pillow. Lifting up the blanket, Phil shuffled in to the bed next to Dan, propping his arm up on a pillow. "It's just everything, I guess…" Dan started. "I got in a really bad mind frame. And over time it just built up to a massive breakdown." Dan turned his gaze away from Phil and started staring at a tile on the ceiling, recalling his previous emotions. "You can't stop it, it's like you can't even control yourself. Half of it's just hysteria and pure emotions. Everything becomes to overwhelming, too much. Not knowing how to act, or breath, or think, and suddenly becoming overwhelmed by simply everything. But no one gets it…" Snapping out of his daze, Dan squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to continue.

"I can try to understand," Phil answered, not wanting Dan to give up on him. He was realising now that Dan's issue was that he held everything too closely and believed that no one could help.

"I try to get people to understand!" Dan retorted aggressively. "But no one does! Everyone just says I'm 'overreacting'. And maybe they're right, maybe I am overreacting," Dan laughed bitterly to no one in particular. "Billions of people all around the world encounter stress each day but are able to contain it… Maybe some people just have shitty brains that are flicked into hysteria by the smallest things. But people just don't understand what it's like. It's empty and full, in the same moment. Nothing and everything. It's pure hysterical panic over everything. The big and the small. The future, the past. Life itself as a concept is terrifying. What's the point in even living when you're just going to die anyway? Why would anyone want to live through all this shit?"

Phil considered the statement for a moment before tentatively running his fingers down Dan's bandaged arm. "How could you do this to yourself?" He asked quietly.

Assuming it was a rhetorical question, Dan left the statement unanswered and chose not to lift his eyes to meet Phil's. Dan just knew that Phil would be disappointed with him. Another person who thought he was weak and pathetic.

Phil, though assumptive that Dan wanted to avoid the topic, rephrased his question. "You are beautiful and perfect," he said sincerely, finally getting Dan's attention. "I just don't understand how you could hurt yourself like this…"

Dan brought his attention down to his heavily bandaged arms before finally coming to a conclusion, and answering, "Physical pain masks emotional pain."

Dan thought he could feel Phil tense up next to him slightly. That's how it usually was when Dan tried to explain self harm to other people, they never understood. Normal people never could grasp the concept, but the emotionally-battered more than well understood. Suddenly Phil relaxed and began to shuffle closer to Dan in the already-too-small bed, sliding an arm around his waist. "I don't know much about depression, but I do know that I love you and we're gonna work this out together."

Dan smiled to himself. _Always coming second to someone else and not having a proper best friend for 18 years was worth the wait. _

"What?" Phil queried, noticing Dan smiling.

"I just really, really love you, and I don't know where I'd be without you." Dan answered before closing the remaining distance between himself and Phil, kissing him gently.

When they finally broke the kiss, Dan snuggled down under the duvet, resting his head on Phil's shoulder, suddenly feeling exhausted. After a few minutes of contented peace, Dan broke the silence. "So… You gonna sneak me McDonalds like last time?" Phil just chuckled and kissed the top of Dan's head, before yawning and slowly letting sleep devour him.

**A / N: Heya guys :) Just to let you know that I'll probably start updating about once a week rather than every few days since I've had to go back to prison (school) *cries for a million years* **

**Hope you liked the chapter, and if you did, make sure to leave a little review! xx**


	15. Therapy

**Chapter 15: Therapy **

Phil awoke about an hour later, and tried clumsily to rub the sleepy fog from his eyes. Dan was curled up to his chest, breathing methodically as he slept. Since he hadn't straitened his hair for a few days now, Dan's curls were getting more noticeable as his hair was returning to its natural state. Suddenly the door clicked open and the nurse walked in, trying to be as silent as possible. Even despite her efforts, Dan groggily lifted his head and began to stretch out his tired limbs, slowly becoming more awake.

"Oh! Sorry to wake you!" The nurse apologised, still using a hushed tone.

"No, no - it's fine. I was already awake, and Dan's the lightest sleeper in the world." Phil joked.

The nurse smiled and began to check up on some of the data being relayed from Dan's blood tests and fluid levels, and onto a computer screen. As she flicked through the digital pages, she spoke to Phil without bothering to turn around. "Doctor Elfawood would like to have a bit of a chat with you in about 10 minutes, Mr. Lester - or should I say Mr. Howell?" She said cheekily, turning around and grinning at Phil. Phil felt a blush rising in his cheeks, and Dan turned to him with an expression of pure confusion, suddenly feeling both utterly awake and utterly discombobulated. "You can meet the Doctor in room 214 when you're ready," the nurse finished before smiling and leaving, quietly closing the door behind her once more.

"… Did she just call you 'Mr. Howell'?" Dan asked as soon as she'd left, still thoroughly confused.

"Um… Yes?" Phil replied. "There _is_ a story behind it, but I kind of need you to pretend that we're engaged…."

"… 'Mr. Howell'?" Dan repeated.

"What about it?"

"Everyone knows that if we got engaged _I'd_ get your last name - not the other way round," Dan said, trying to hold a serious face but failing tragically. Phil started cracking up with laughter, and soon Dan was too.

Phil playfully shoved Dan for being so cheeky, before retorting with, "Alright then, 'Mr. Lester'." Dan started giggling again, and Phil began to get out of the bed, stretching off his morning tiredness.

"You going to see Doctor whats-his-face?" Dan asked.

"Yeah, I guess I should. Which room did she say again?"

"Um… 214, I think."

"Okay, I'll be back in a bit," Phil replied, heading for the door. He heard a reply of "I won't wait up," followed by more laughing, so he called back, "Daniel, that is no way to treat your fiancé," but he was only greeted with more laughter coming from Dan's direction, as he headed to find room 214.

The various corridors and twisted halls, failed to go in a clear order, and Phil found himself wandering around somewhat aimlessly through the building. He finally found a pristine, white door with the brass numbers '201' drilled into it, so began walking down the corridor in that direction.

"You looking for anywhere in particular?"

Phil spun around to see a middle-aged woman, probably in her early 40's, in a suit with an ID tag. The woman had naturally wavy hair that was swept into a smooth side pony tail, and wore no makeup but had nice natural features. She looked like a very genuine and kind person - like someone you'd feel comfortable opening up your life story to.

"Um, yeah. Room 214?"

The lady smiled. "I do happen to know where that is, because it's my office."

"Oh!" Phil said surprisedly. "You're Doctor Elfawood?"

The Doctor laughed before jokingly stating, "You sound so shocked!"

"No, no," Phil quickly tried to cover his tracks, not wanting to seem rude. "I don't know - I was just expecting some old guy in a lab coat with glasses to be hiding in the room."

Smiling, Doctor Elfawood answered, "Well, I'm not an old man, and I don't have to wear a lab coat because I don't come in direct contact with any of the patients. Any more questions or stereotypes you'd like me to deny?"

"Not really."

"Good," She replied, grinning. Phil could tell that she was big on always grinning and being cheery. "You must be Mr. Lester, I take it?" She continued. Phil nodded, confirming her statement. "They told me you were coming down. It's difficult to find my office though - the numbers get mixed up," she motioned down the corridor. "I'm Jane, by the way," the Doctor said, offering her hand.

Phil shook it, replying with "Phil."

"Nice to meet you, Phil." More smiling. "So you're here with Mr. Howell, then?"

"Yeah, I am…"

"You okay to have a bit of a chat about that in my office?"

"Sure."

Jane led Phil down another corridor (he'd stopped trying to recognise and remember different routes - they all looked the same to him), before finally reaching room 214. Positioning herself in the largest chair situated behind a large, oaken desk, Jane motioned for Phil to take one of the client seats directly opposite her. As soon as they'd both sat down, the Doctor pulled out a clipboard and pen before scribbling something down, and addressing Phil. "So how do you know Daniel?"

"He's, uh, my fiancé…"

"Oh, really?!" She asked, grinning. "Congratulations!"

Suddenly a cloud of guilt began to appear over Phil's head, trickling a shower of lies. He hated lying and he hated people praising him for things he hadn't actually done. But despite this, he knew he couldn't drop the 'Dan's-my-fiancé' act because they'd most likely kick him out, and he needed to be with Dan no matter what. "Thanks," he simply replied.

"So how did you two meet?"

_Oh crap. _Phil always winced at how awkward explaining how he and Dan had met, was.

"We met through my job," he tried to pass off.

"And what's your career?" Jane asked while jotting notes down.

"I make YouTube videos online, just talking about my life and stuff that happens to me."

"Does Daniel makes these videos as well?"

"Yeah, he does, and we also run a BBC Radio1 station together."

"Hmm, okay…" Jane scrawled down more words. "I take it you live together then?"

"Yeah, we've been living together for nearly three years."

Jane was trying to record as much of the conversation as she could, so as she was writing, Phil glanced around the room. Her book shelves were filled with self-help and positive thinking books and magazines, their bright book-spines peeping out from one another. The Doctor's desk was littered with little notes and cards speaking positive messages or quotes from Buddha and various other sources. She had a large, gold plaque sitting to the side of her desk stating in capitalised letters: DR. JANE ELFAWOOD.

"Have you noticed any previous patterns, or negative actions or thoughts that Daniel has seemed to have?" Jane asked, snapping Phil out of his bubble.

Now that he thought of it, Dan had shown a lot of negative signs. "Actually, I have, yeah…" Phil began. "Firstly, he dropped out of college about two years ago because he was doing a law degree - which he hated. He never really tells anyone, but the only reason he took it was because he felt pressured by his parents and his teachers in school to do something that made him look smart. I'm not really sure, but I think he has a lot of trouble accepting who he is - he always puts other people before himself… He has trouble sleeping, because his mind is constantly racing. Sometimes I hear him pacing around his room at 5:00am because he can't relax. Um, he also can get depressed for really long periods of time because he tends to over-think things."

"What do you mean by 'over-think'?" The Doctor queried.

"Just everything, I guess. His existence, and what he wants to achieve with his life, what the point of life itself is. And he can get really bad when he starts to feel all existential - sometimes he'll just stay by himself for days and he won't stop crying. And when I first noticed this, I was trying to help him through it, but he was going through a particularly bad time and he started self-harming…"

Suddenly Jane's pen stopped scribbling across the page and she looked up. "So you knew that he was self-harming, but you didn't get him professional help?"

"Um… No…?" As soon as the words left his mouth he started to realise just how stupid he had been. _How could I have thought that I alone could fix him… _

A few more questions went back and forth between Phil and the Doctor regarding Dan, and finally she thanked him and led him to the door. "I'll have to speak to Dan later today as well, but I'll send all the details through to Sophia who can pass them on to you two."

"Okay, sounds good. Thanks," Phil answered, heading out the door.

"No - thank you!" Jane grinned before disappearing back into her office once more.

Phil headed back down the maze of corridors recalling his conversation with the Doctor, as he headed back to where Dan was.

**A / N: Sorry this chapter wasn't great, but I've been having a bit of a crappy week and it's hard to hold myself together emotionally, let alone write an amazing chapter. To hopefully make up for my lack of content, I thought I'd share some of my notes I wrote myself as prompts for this chapter:**

**_fall asleep in le bed together_**

**_nurse comes in and addresses phil "mr. lester - or should i say mr. howell?"_**

**_dan hella confused_**

**As you can see, I am a very professional person ;D haha **

**See you guys next chapter (when I'll hopefully be feeling a bit more motivated to write better!) **

**Reviews are very much appreciated xxx :)**


	16. Lyrics

**Chapter 16: Lyrics**

**A / N: Wednesday = Update day! Hope you all like the new chapter and reviews are mucho appreciated xx *infinite hugglets* **

When Phil had reached Dan's room, he knocked quietly on the door to announce his presence, before sliding it open. The room Dan was staying in had only one bed and a single window, so it was fair to make the assumption that that particular room was made for patients who were better kept away from others. Dan was lying in a mess of pillows and the duvet was half falling off the bed. He lazily flicked through the channels on the wall-mounted tv, and Phil nearly laughed at how at-home Dan had managed to make himself.

"What are you watching?" Phil asked absentmindedly, announcing his presence.

Dan quickly snapped his head towards the door, previously unaware to the person standing there. As soon as he recognised that it was Phil, he immediately relaxed and turned his attention back to the tv. "Channel Four's doing a countdown of My Chem's top 10." Phil smiled knowing how obsessed Dan was with My Chemical Romance, and scooted into the bed next to him. A large '7' appeared on the screen, accompanied by a female, British woman announcing "Number seven," as the first lines of 'Teenagers' started playing. Dan immediately started singing along, grinning as he sang every word. By the time it had reached the chorus, Phil couldn't help joining in, giving Dan a run for his money.

"THEY SAID ALL TEENAGERS SCARE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME!

THEY COULD CARE LESS AS LONG AS SOMEONE'LL BLEED!

SO DARKEN YOUR CLOTHES, OR STRIKE A VIOLENT POSE!

MAYBE THEY'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE, BUT NOT ME!"

Both boys ended, pointing at themselves. They ran through the rest of the verses, trying to out-sing the other, incorporating actions and mini dance moves. By the time the song had ended, they were both falling about with laughter. Phil was laughing uncontrollably, and Dan slapped his shoulder, giggling. "Shhh, Phil! They're gonna tell us off for waking everyone up!" They watched the rest of the countdown, trying to guess each upcoming song, before the program ended with 'Welcome to the Black Parade' at number one. Dan finally hoisted the bulky, black remote for the last time, pointing it at the tv screen and turning it off. "So what now?" He questioned.

"Well, Jane said she wanted to chat to you, so you should probably go see her, I guess…" Phil answered.

"… 'Jane'?" Dan asked in a confused tone.

"Oh, uh, Doctor Elfawood," Phil stated confirmingly, gaining an understanding 'ohhhh' from Dan.

Dan stared down at his hospital gown that he was currently clad in. "I should probably put some proper clothes on…"

"Your parents dropped some clothes off a few hours ago."

"Ah… Why didn't they stop by to see me?"

"Well, they did, but after I left, you apparently fell back asleep, and the doctors said that you should probably rest."

"How do you know all this?"

"One of the nurses told me as I was walking back from Jane's office. The clothes are in the bathroom," Phil motioned in the direction of the en suite bathroom, and Dan began heading towards where Phil was pointing. Suddenly, he hesitated and stopped in the middle of the room.

"… You okay?" Phil asked, concerned.

"Doctor Elfawood's a psychologist, isn't she?"

"… Yes, she is."

Frustratedly, Dan ran a hand across his face. "I don't want to see a therapist. I don't need people to help me."

"Dan, I, uh, think you do-"

"No I don't!" Dan lashed out. "She's just going to say I'm crazy! And I know that - I fucking know I am. I just hate being like this! I hate who I am, and I don't need another person to tell me how much of a shitty failure I am!"

Desperately wanting to comfort him, Phil placed his hand on Dan's back. "Hey, just try it, I'm sure it'll be okay-"

"NO, IT WON'T!" Dan yelled, viciously slapping Phil's hand away from him. Phil yelped and instinctively pulled back his hand, fully caught off guard by Dan's sudden outburst. This was strange - it wasn't Dan. _Normally I can calm him down… _Phil thought. _Something's changed. _

Dan collapsed on the floor, shaking and letting tears streak down his face. Unsure of whether Dan would lash out again or not, Phil was hesitant to comfort him. Small, sobbing sounds escaped from Dan's figure, his back shaking as his breathing wavered. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you…"

Phil sighed before squatting down on the ground next to Dan, rubbing his back soothingly. Dan's breathing slowly began to even out. "I just feel like such a waste sometimes… Like I'm pointless and broken, you know?"

"No, I don't. In fact, I'll gladly oppose that," Phil said, still consistently rubbing circles on Dan's back. "Just try Doctor Elfawood - she could be really helpful. I know it's hard when you think she's going to make it worse. And you'd have to be pretty brave to be able to go, when you think she'll react badly, but I know you _are _brave enough. So go put on your clothes and get ready, because you _are _strong enough to do this."

Dan sniffled in response, but began to slowly hoist himself off the floor. "Have you eaten anything?" Dan asked.

"Hmm?"

"Today - have you eaten?"

Phil began to recall the day, and realised that he hadn't eaten for a good nine hours. "Not really… I should probably go down to the canteen and grab something."

"Yeah, you should," Dan answered as he began heading towards the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Phil began to collect the few things he had on him - his phone, his wallet, a jacket - stuffing the items in his pocket and putting the jacket on. Suddenly he heard a groan coming from the bathroom, and the door swung open to reveal Dan standing there in Phil's cloud top. "I can't wear this!" Dan whined. "It's too colourful!"

Suddenly Phil started giggling uncontrollably. Partially at the fact that Dan's mum had mistakingly taken one of his own tops, and just by the fact that he was so used to seeing Dan in black or something much more edgy, that as he stood there in the doorway getting all huffy in a floaty cloud t-shirt, Phil noticed how innocent he looked. "Well, I think it looks cute."

"On you it does," Dan replied smirking, making Phil's face turn slightly red. Phil stared at the ground shyly, smiling to himself. That was the one thing that had changed about them since they'd started dating. Everything ran practically the same - they'd still chat about the same things and go out on weirdly eventful day-trips around London. The only thing that was different was that they could now finally say what they truly loved about the other, and Phil was still wasn't used to being complimented.

"Aaaw… Is Phil getting all shy?" Dan teased playfully.

Phil was trying to suppress more giggles, though he was grinning. "No!"

"I think you are…"

"Shut up," Phil said, trying to hide his blush. "Go finish getting ready!"

"Okay, okay," Dan said, defeatedly, heading back into the bathroom. A few seconds later Phil heard a "Yes! She packed my straightener!" and he smiled to himself, taking a seat on the bed. As soon as Phil sat down, his eyes started to drift around the room, looking for anything enticing to land on. He noted that there was a pad of paper and a series of identical pens lying on the bedside table, so he reached over and grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen. As he absentmindedly spun the pen around in his hand, Phil began to recall what Dan had said only minutes before.

_I feel like such a waste sometimes… Like I'm pointless and broken, you know?_

After around ten minutes of straitening down his unruly hair, Dan emerged from the bathroom to see that the room was empty. _Phil's probably gone down to get some food, _he thought to himself. He began rummaging through the rest of the stuff his mum had packed for him, when he noticed a small note lying in the centre of the bed. Dan lifted the piece of paper and saw that it had words in Phil's handwriting running down the centre of the page:

_Give a cheer,_

_For all the broken._

_Listen here,_

_Because it's who we are. _

_- xx _

Dan couldn't help smiling to himself, immediately recognising the words as lyrics from My Chemical Romance's 'Welcome to the Black Parade'. He carefully folded the note and put it in his pocket, before heading out the door to find room 214.

**A / N: YAY FOR MCR!1!**

**I just wanted to clear a few things up:**

**1) I don't live in England, so I had to research which tv channel was the music channel, so don't kill me if it's wrong.**

**2) I am fully aware that 'confirmingly' is not a word (for all you spelling nazis), but it fucking should be, so I left it in. **

**Reviews are awesome and I'll see y'all next chapter! xxx :) **


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